The Self-Made Critic's Guide to the 2001 Oscars
Who's going to win? Who should win? Who's a total loser? Read on.
Best Supporting Actor
Seems you can't open a magazine or turn on a TV without hearing about the
latest Latin Explosion, Benicio Del Toro. The guy's hotter than a jalapeno,
and plans to ride his patented 'dusky look' all the way to the podium come
But believe it or not, there are four other nominees. Many people think
Albert Finney is the main reason why Julia Roberts was go good in Erin
Brokovich, which strikes me as silly since he wasn't the once sporting
cleavage. Jeff Bridges? Please, we already gave a President a major award
this year (Martin Sheen, not whoever else you may have been thinking of) so
we're not gonna do that twice. Joaquin Phoenix? Gag me. Am I the only one
who thinks he was the worst part about that movie? Anyone else notice his
incredibly forced and fake-sounding accent? Willem DeFoe? Sadly, nobody saw
his movie, which means he won't win. And that's a shame, because he was
brilliant as a freaky, blood-sucking vampire. That's acting, folks!
Who Should Win: Willem DeFoe
Who Will Win: Benicio Del Toro
Best Supporting Actress
This is the most wide open race out there. Five candidates. One
mud-wrestling pit. Winner take all.
That actually might be a better way to decide, because truth told, all five
of these women deserve the award. But only one gets it. It won't be Judi
Dench, because she's not allowed to win for any movie wherein she appears in
over ten minutes of screen time. It won't be Marcia Gay Harden simply
because nobody wants to give Steve Martin an excuse to make a "Marcia,
Marcia, Marcia!" joke. It won't be Julie Walters because Billy Elliot is a
story about a boy and his dad, and I really don't think she plays either of
those two roles. That leaves the two women from Almost Famous. Let's see,
overbearing mother figure or hot, sexy groupie? Hmmm. Overbearing mother or
hot, sexy groupie?
Who Should Win: Frances McDormand
Who Will Win: Kate Hudson
Right now, Julia Roberts is so overwhelmingly favored for this award that
bookies in Vegas will pay you money to bet on anyone else. But before we
simply take this result as given, let's look at the other four nominees.
Angela Basset - Supernova. A good job, but a little overshadowed by the
glowing pink thing to really shine in the role. Carmen Electra - Scary
Movie. A career-enhancing role, especially the running through the
sprinklers, but she simply wasn't on screen long enough to seriously be
considered a strong candidate. Carrie-Anne Moss - Red Planet. As good as
she was, as deserving as she may have been, she simply can't get out from
under the crushing burden of Trinity. Martin Lawrence - Big Momma's House.
Pound for pound, Martin has everyone beat, but the academy may take offence
to the fact that he's actually a man, and therefore not really eligible for
And that leaves Julia Roberts.
Who Should Win: Does it Matter? OK, Joan Allen
Who Will Win: Julia Roberts
You can ignore three of these guys right away, simply because their names
aren't Tom Hanks or Russell Crowe. For example, Javier Bardem is neither Tom
Hanks or Rusell Crowe, and so is disqualified. Likewise, Geoffrey Rush can't
claim to be Tom Hanks or Russell Crowe, and so he'll be going home sad. Ed
Harris isn't even close to being named Tom Hanks or Russell Crowe, so he's
out as well.
That leaves two guys. Tom Hanks and Russell Crowe. There are those who say
Tom Hanks was just being Tom Hanks again, and Russell Crowe wasn't so much a
good actor as he was 'yummy and scrumptious' (a direct quote). Still when
push comes to shove, these are the guys to beat. They each did a great job
and they are each totally deserving. But did you see Cast Away? Do you
remember how there's this huge chunk of the film where Hanks is the only one
on screen? And we're captivated! He doesn't even speak for, like, an hour!
And we're captivated! Much of his dialogue is delivered to a volleyball!
AND WE'RE CAPTIVATED!
However, Russell has The Almighty Mo (momentum) of Gladiator on his side and
odds are, he'll be the one walking away with the prize. I mean really, who
would you rather give the award to, a Gilligan reject or a guy who can,
literally, cut your head off?
Who Should Win: Tom Hanks
Who Will Win: Russell Crowe
It is a rule that if your picture isn't up for Best Picture, you can't win
Best Director. So that rules out Stephen Daldry. (Who?) It also helps if
your movie is a sweeping epic, because that means that as a director, you had
a lot more things to deal with than someone who only directed something like
My Dinner With Andre. ("OK, two guys at a table are talking. Action! Call
me when they're done.") That would seem to eliminate Steven Soderbergh's
Erin Brockovich nomination. The remaining three are worthy nominations, but
since only one of them can win, you got to give it to the guy who was so
good, he got nominated twice. And for once, I think the academy will agree.
Who Should Win: Steven Soderbergh - Traffic
Who Will Win: Steven Soderbergh - Traffic
Long ago, in a Hollywood far, far away. There was a simple rule. Whoever
wins Best Director, obviously directed the Best Picture. This would mean
that Traffic will win the coveted award, and it certainly deserves it.
However, the world was jolted out of its alignment a while back when Best
Director Steven Speilberg watched in horror as Saving Private Ryan got
shafted by upstart Miramax's Shakespeare In Love. So all bets are off.
Chocolat? Don't insult me. This movie truly doesn't deserve to be in this
category, and the Mighty Miramax Publicity Machine should be severely
punished for pushing this movie into a nomination, robbing some truly
deserving films of a slot, such as Almost Famous and Billy Elliot. If it
wins, Paramount, Sony, 20th Century Fox, Warner Bros and Dreamworks have
agreed to gang up on Miramax and burn their office to the ground.
Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Well, if you've read my review, you know
that I don't think this is the best film of 2000. Besides, it's going to win
Best Foreign Film, so it's already got its Oscar.
Erin Brockovich? Well, it was a good movie, a very good movie. With very
good cleavage. But this is really a two-horse race, and Brockovich gets left
at the gate.
That leaves Traffic and Gladiator. Traffic will have won the Directing
award, and by all rights should win this baby too. But it won't. Get ready
to hear the Gladiator score over and over again because it's going to go home
with all kinds of awards, and will top the evening off with a Best Picture
Who Should Win: Traffic
Who Will Win: Gladiator