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Non-Lethal Weapons

The Pentagon on Thursday unveiled a new "non-lethal" weapon designed to drive off an adversary with an energy beam that inflicts pain but doesn't cause any real damage. This so-called "Pain Beam" works by sending millimeter-wave electromagnetic energy in a beam that quickly heats up the surface of the victim's skin, giving the sensation that their skin is burning without any of the messy side-effects of actual burning, such as permanent damage, blisters, and the stench.

The Pain Beam is the first in a line of upcoming "non-lethal" weapons being developed by the Pentagon in an attempt to become a kinder, gentler offensive force. Some of the projects currently under production include:

The Itch-Beam

A simple device, the itch beam will, when trained on unsuspecting rabble rousers, inflame the skin to a point where the victim will have an uncontrollable itch over his or her entire body. Said victim will them fall to the ground, scratching himself or herself repeatedly until the beam is shut off.

Soldiers in the field will be commissioned cases of bactine to come to the aid of anyone unfortunate enough to scratch themselves raw.

The Yummy Food Beam

This powerful weapon will stimulate the olfactory nerves in the subject, causing the unmistakable scent of yummy food to waft into their senses. Subject will then cease all hostilities and walk around, rubbing their stomach happily, looking for food.

The Bowel Beam

The powerful weapon, only to be used in the most dire of circumstances, uses electromagnetic energy to overly stimulate a person's bowels, causing said bowels to evacuate fully immediately.

This is to be used only as a last resort, any unit putting this weapon into action will be assigned clean-up duty.

The Really Intense Light Beam

A power ray of white-hot white light is targeted at the opponent's eyes, effectively blinding them.

OK, it's really just a big flashlight, but you gotta admit it'd be useful. I mean who doesn't stop charging when a flashlight's in their face? Heck, they'll probably raise a hand to block the light, that'll be pretty effective, right? Right?

The Michael Bolton Beam

This weapon stimulates the auditory senses, causing a wide range of Michael Bolton tunes to be heard by the unfortunate victim, stopping them in their tracks. Settings range from "Time, Love and Tenderness" to "Love is a Wonderful Thing." In case of emergency, this device can be set all the way to the cruel level of "When A Man Loves A Woman."

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