by The Self-Made Critic

A while back, we threw together a contest inviting you to write your own Variety headline for the movie of your choice. Here come the results.

Sandra Sears wins the grands prize for this succinct summation of Shakespeare in Love:
Blond Babe Binds Breasts, Boinks Bard

Sandra gets a T-shirt, and the rest of this page consists of entries that get bupkiss, but which we thought were pretty amusing anyway.

For Deep Impact:
Meteor Mashes Metropolis: Millions Mauled
-- Grant Zurko

For The Matrix :
Universe, Utensil Unreal, Unconvincing Unix User Uncovers
-- Brent McLean

For Citizen Kane:
Moribund Misanthropic Millionaire Mumbles Mysteriously
-- Chris Dugan

For Silence of the Lambs:
Manipulative Murderer Mauls Many; Muses, "Mmm! Meat!"
-- Skot Kurruk

Special United Nations Award for International Awareness:

For The Matrix :
Koroshiya Koroshiteiru Keanu: Kowai Ka Kawaii Ka? (Assassin-slaughtering Keanu: Scary or Cute?)
-- Brent McLean

For Titanic:
DiCaprio's Descent To Depths, Delightful. Dion's Display Dreadful.
-- Mark Kerrigan

For My Little Pony: The Movie:
Enchanting Equines Evict Evil Entities
-- Allie Martin

For Go:
Teen Tramps Trip, Taunt Tarantino Trend, Triumph.
-- Anthony Minerva

For The Birds:
Billions of Berzerk Birds Blitz Bodega Bay
-- cameron

For Point Break:
Spandexy Swaize Skydives, Story Still Sucks.
-- patrick

For Starship Troopers:
Beautiful Buxom Babes, Brawny Beefcake Belatedly Blast Big Bothersome Bugs; Boffo Business!
-- John Moe

For Happy Gilmore:
Grubby Golfer Grasps Greatness, Grapples Gameshow Guy
-- Michael Pellegrin

For Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
Moral Missing; More Mescaline
-- Mighty Florist

For Saving Private Ryan:
Gritty Grunts Get Guy
-- Steven Kral

The Webster's Award for Best Attempt to Impress Us with Sheer Volume:

For Saving Private Ryan:
Bullets Bounce By Blackened Barricades, Bitter But Brave Battle Bozos Blow By Bratwurst-Biting Brownshirts, Bible-Bleating Bad Boy Beaten By Bigger Barrel, Bloody Bridge Bombed, Blonde Brat Brought Back; Brilliant.
-- Jason D. Brown

For Die Hard:
Bald Bruce Beats Bavarian Bad Boys
-- Terence Lau

For The Mod Squad:
Retro Retread--Retreat!
-- Matt

For Elizabeth:
Protestant Princess Prevails
-- Theresa

For The Full Monty:
Unattractive, undulating, unemployed underachievers undress.
-- alison pash

For Mad Max (The Road Warrior):
Maudlin Mel misses missus; makes mayhem.
-- alison pash

For Armageddon:
Asteroid Attacks; Amateur Astronauts Activate A-bomb; Armageddon Averted
-- Chris Sedlack

For Braveheart:
Savage Scotsman Slashes Saxons
-- Phen

For Titanic:
Big Boat Becomes Beluga Bonne Bouche
-- Angela Hamilton

For Pamela and Tommy Sex Video:
Busty Broad Bops -- Boring Boyfriend Broods, But Basically -- Boring.
-- Charley Daniels

For The Hunger:
Begins with Bauhaus, Bowie becomes bald, bimboes brawl for blood
-- Elena Berges

The "Love Me Five Times" Award:

For Spice World:
Barf Barf Barf Barf Barf
-- Faux Pas

The Scrabble Player's Award for Highest Score Per Tile:

For Aliens:
Xenomorphs -- Xeroxed!
-- Cathy Szidloski

For Titanic:
Totally Terrible Tragedy Takes Tinsel Town, Turns Teens Teary
-- Brian Kibler

For The Breakfast Club:
Angsty adolescents address alienation
-- Danielle M. Henry

For Babe:
Small Swine Seems Smart, Saves Skin from Skillet with Soliloquy Soliciting Sheep's Sympathy
-- Josh Brady

For Star Wars:
Farmer find Friends, Force, Fries Foes' Fortress

For Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back:
Tatooine Teen Terminates Totalitarian Toadies, Tunes Talents
-- Christopher Gillen

For Star Wars: Return of the Jedi:
Freedom Fighters and Friendly Fuzzies Finally Foil Fascist Forces
-- Christopher Gillen

For Starship Troopers:
Big bugs butcher brats
-- Sandra Rodriguez

For A Bug's Life (1998):
Animated Ants Again
-- Peter T Ngo

For There's Something About Mary:
Semen Steals Sophomoric Scene from Stiller
-- Eric Hahn

For Titanic:
Ship Sinks. Surprised?
-- Coco Delgado

For Life Is Beautiful:
Dinky Dago's Dillemma During Deathcamp: Do or Don't Die
-- Tina Westrick

For 10 Things I Hate About You:
Teenage Translation of "Taming" Tries Tolerance
-- Patrick

For Batman & Robin:
Dynamic Duo Doesn't Drop Dead. Damn.
-- Jeff Mulder

For Black Belt Jones (1974):
Black Belt Beats, Bests Boorish Brutes: Blaxploitation's Best!
-- Brett A. Lewis

For Mod Squad:
Trippy Tight Textiles Try To Temper Terrible Tedium
-- Dan Buettner

For six-string samurai:
rock and roller rambles rural roads, rampages russians, rules riffs
-- karina

For Night of the Lepus:
Bones Battles Big Bad Bunnies
-- Jamie Michael

For 2001: A Space Odyssey:
Dave, Delusion, Daisy, Death; Deliverance.
-- Jaryn Lutkin

For Gone With the Wind:
Diva Debutante Delivers Drama
-- Alighieri

For The Road Warrior:
Max Minces Muscleheaded Motorpool
-- Jesse Hudzik

For From Russia with Love:
Bond beds babes, battles Blofeld, bounces bullets
-- david

For Rocky Horror Picture Show:
Curry Cross-dressing Comedy Crashes, Cult Classic Created.
-- Mike Anino

For Debbie Does Dallas:
Supine Slut Seduces, Services Southerners
-- Damn Dirty Ape

For The Godfather:
Wiseguy Wops Wack Witnesses
-- Damn Dirty Ape