The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Lightbulbs. Lawyers. Blondes. The cognitive abilities of the Polish. Barring a humorous mass suicide or presidential innuendo, all jokes seem to fall into just a few categories -- and they're almost all filled up.

Now that we all know our redneckitude, we know what happens when frayed and knotted strings enter bars, and the cognitive qualities of the sexual promiscuity of farmers' daughters have been largely established, what's next for humor? What random concept will be awkwardly repeated by your significant other's dad well into the next millennium?

Well, we have some suggestions:


Nothing pisses off Americans more than actuaries, with their statistical analysis and insurance premium calculations. Vent your frustrations with these zingers:

Q: Why didn't the ocelot eat the actuary?
A: He was worried the actuary might not give him low enough insurance premiums.

The President, the Pope, a lawyer and an actuary are on a crashing plane. There are only three parachutes. "I should have one, since I'm the President," said the President. "Me too, since I'm the Pope," said the Pope. "Well," said the lawyer, "I should escape so we can properly sue the airline," but the actuary said "what about the insurance premiums? Someone has to calculate those!" Everyone stopped to think about it, but it was too late and the plane crashed.

People who didn't make it big off the Internet

Since you're reading this on-line, you probably made big bucks off the Internet, and know the joy of laughing at those who didn't:

Q: What did the one guy who didn't make it big off the Internet say to the other guy who didn't make it big off the Internet?
A: Nothing. He just sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed.

Three guys are walking down the beach when they happen upon a magical lamp. Rubbing it, a genie appears and grants them each a wish. The first says: "I wish I'd made it rich off the Internet"

"What?" asks the genie, laughing. "You didn't make it rich off the Internet? Hahahahaha."

"Yeah, but I wish I did!"

"Hahahahaha" laughs the genie.

"Well, do I get my wish?"

"Hahahahaha" laughs the genie.

People with bald toes who are sexually prudish.

How many times has an unsuccessful date with someone that has very few to no strands of hair on their toes left you sexually frustrated? Revenge is yours when you email these to everyone you know:

Q: Why did the hairless toe person not join the Hari Krishnas?
A: Because she won't have sects! (Get it? It sounds like sex).

Q: How many strands of hair are on the toes of the tennis champion?
A: Not many, because he never makes "love" (Get it? "Love" is a tennis term).

The Sundance Film Festival

What could be funnier than the entertainment politics that surround Robert Redford's revered Sundance Film Festival? As these jokes show, not much:

Q: How many struggling independent filmmakers does it take to make a Sundance Film Festival selection?
A: Three: one to make the film and two to hold guns sideways.

Three struggling independent filmmakers are walking on a beach, when suddenly they find the Sundance Film Festival. Rubbing it, Robert Redford suddenly appears, granting each of them each one wish. The first filmmaker says: "I wish you'd select my movie about a group of young gangsters who hold guns sideways!" And Robert Redford waves his hands and its done. The second says "Select my film about a young man with a horrible psychological problem that is eventually cured when he cries once!" and Robert makes it so. The third says "I want you to select my gritty urban drama about actuaries!" and Robert Redford waves his hands, and he's beaten by thugs.

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