The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Another Brief Conversation with the Planet Pluto

A couple of years ago, we caught up with the planet Pluto for a quick word on the occasion of its passing Neptune to once again become the farthest planet from the sun in the solar system. As Pluto is once again in the news, we are able to reach the celestial body for another chat.

Brunching Shuttlecocks: Hello there, Pluto, nice to see you again.

Pluto: Yeah yeah, hurry up. Time is money.

BS: Well, we're all abuzz here on earth with the discovery of 2001 KX76, do you have any thoughts on this historic occasion?

P: What discovery? You act like it hasn't been sitting here all along. I mean if you guys ever bothered to aim your damn telescopes out my way, you'd discover all kinds of floating junk out here. I've known 2001 KX76 for decades. Cocky bastard, never sends a Christmas card. What's the big deal?

BS: Well the big deal is that 2001 KX76 is being heralded as the largest minor planet in the solar system.

P: Really? From the way you guys treat me, I could have sworn I was a minor planet.

BS: No, no. You're a full-fledged planet. For now. But 2001 KX76 is the largest of the so-called 'Kuiper Belt Objects', which orbit the sun out past your neighborhood.

P: Yeah, there are a bunch of KBOs out there. Not the nicest things in space, let me tell you. Just as soon crash in to you as give you the time of day.

BS: There are some on Earth who think you ought to be classified as a Kuiper Belt Object.

P: Me, a damn KBO? Blow me! Your Mom's a KBO!

BS: Well, you would go from being the smallest planet to the largest KBO. Any joy in the big fish / small pond theory?

P: I'm a planet. Read me lips. Pla-net. You got a problem with that?

BS: I was just making a point.

P: I've got a point to make. Bite me.

BS: So you're content being known as the smallest planet in the solar system?

P: As a planet, I get my props. When was the last time a bunch of 3rd graders stood in a line and recited the names of the 10,000+ KBOs?

BS: So this is about ego, not scientific truth.

P: Who has time for truth? I'm a solid ball of frozen rock that circles the sun every 248 friggin' years. Lot of good it does me. Don't get much use for sun tan lotion out my way, know what I mean?

BS: OK, let's get back to the KBOs.

P: Oh! Sure! By all means! Much more interesting than a real, damn planet, huh? You're probably already planning on sending a probe out there. Meanwhile, my crystalline gardens and abundance of silicon-based ice creatures twiddle their thumbs, waiting for you to pay attention to us.

BS: You have life?

P: Sure. Life. Plants. Strip malls. Whatever. Like you care. Prove me wrong.

BS: Yes, well. Anyway. KBOs are thought to be pristine relics of the formation of the solar system. Any thoughts?

P: They're about as pristine as your uncle's left tit after a good hog slaughtering. Know what they do with all their spare time? Plot against you. They hate Earth, they're planning on taking you down.

BS: They're just rocks.

P: Fine. Don't say I didn't warn you.

BS: Pluto, we have time for one more question before we go. Now that 2001 KX76 has made history, astronomers will likely give it a name similar to other named objects in the Kuiper Belt. The tendency has been to assign mythological names associated with creation, such as Varuna, a large object named for the Vedic god of oceans and water. Any suggestions?

P: Phallus.

More by David Neilsen Back to The Shuttlecocks Homepage