The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Mission: Impossible 2

Good Morning Mr. Critic,

Sorry to barge in on your Memorial Day vacation, but I have a matter that requires your attention.

The action-packed, death-defying trailers you have been seeing non-stop for the past two months belong to a summer blockbuster, Mission: Impossible 2, code-named M:I 2. This is a sequel to the highly profitable yet relatively incomprehensible film, Mission: Impossible, code-named M:I.

There are two men of import involved in this matter. The first, Producer/Star/Mega Hunk Tom Cruise, code-named Mr. Kidman. Mr. Kidman returns in M:I 2 to play the same role he played in M:I. He is Ethan Hunt, the dashing, studly, short secret agent who must assemble a team to save the world from a deadly virus. He jumps, he runs, he climbs big rocks, he has gadgets, he beds the babe, he's super-dreamy. Makes Bond look like an uptight dandy.

The second man of note is Director John Woo, code-named Mr. Action God. Quite possibly the world's most dangerous action director, Mr. Action God brings the joy of his particular martial-arts milieu to this film and watches the bodies pile up. Under his efficient tutelage, Mr. Kidman is turned into a white-hot fire of pure physical madness. Plus, Mr. Action God brought his doves. He never goes anywhere without his doves.

This is the most anticipated film of the summer, so be on the lookout for incredible stunts, glorious explosions and hot babes.

Speaking of hot babes, one other person with which you will have to contend is the intoxicating Ms. Thandie Newton, code-named Miss Juicy. Miss Juicy is sexy. You may drool. On the other hand, Mr. Kidman is also highly worthy of drool, if you're more interested in that sort of thing.

Be warned, where M:I was a complex story full of twists and turns, M:I 2 is about as subtle as Grandma's meatloaf. There is no place for subtlety in Mr. Action God's movies; they would get in the way of the fists of death and the helicopters of pain. Even so, there are moments of undeniable idiocy.

"We wanted to create a vaccine to cure all forms of influenza, but in order to do that, we had to create the most dangerous virus ever known to mankind. The uber-influenza virus."

Uhm... why? Why not just test it against all the different forms of influenza that already exist? Were they trying to save time?

And I'm not even going to start with the high-speed-car-chase/love-scene. Just a little silly.

Also know that there will be much face-swapping.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to see this film. It should not be difficult, as it is currently playing every movie screen in America, with the exception of four screens at a mini-plex in Fremont, which are all showing Where the Heart Is. You must then rate the movie on your scale of 1-5 Babylons. I would suggest giving it a rating of 3 3/4 Babylons, and in fact, I'm betting you will.

Of course, if you or anyone involved in driving you to the theater are apprehended, The Brunching Shuttlecocks et. all will disavow any knowledge of your mission.

Good luck, Mr. Critic.

This review will self-destruct in five seconds.

Editor's Note:

If this isn't the most self-involved, narcissistic bunch of self-made crap I've ever read, then call me Ving Rhames and call it a night.

Mission: Impossible 2
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: John Woo
Starring: Tom Cruise, Thandie Newton, Dougray Scott, Ving Rhames, Anthony Hopkins and the common cold.


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