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Minority Report

Bald chicks are hot.

I'm not sure when that became true. At first, bald chicks were simply odd like the bald chick in the Star Trek movie, and Sinead O'Connor. But somewhere along the way, the shiny female skull became sexy. It's a relatively new trend, but like all things Americana, it has become a reality now that it has been used in a film by Steven Spielberg.

In the latest jaunt into Steven's imagination, Minority Report, we get a bald chick, played by Samantha Morton, who, along with a couple of bald guys, can foresee the future. Specifically, they see murders. So a bunch of cops have dunked them into a tank to keep them happy and created the Office of Pre-Crime, run by a pre-braces Tom Cruise. Everything's going along swell until bald chick tells everyone that Mr. Bad Teeth is gonna commit a murder in 36 hours. Suddenly, Old Overbite is running from everyone, trying to figure out why he's gonna murder someone he doesn't even know.

If only this review were like that, working on the theory of Pre-Review, so that you could fast forward and skip a couple of paragraphs later in the review which might injure your odds at enjoying an otherwise heck of a flick.

Alas, you have to read the whole darned thing.

Minority Report, based on Philip K. Dick's short story, "The Minority Report," takes place in 2054. After showing us what 2051 will look like in A.I., Mr. Prognosticator Spielberg jumps forwards three years in his ever-evolving history of the future, and it's pretty different. It's an interesting view of the future- just about everything seems to be made out of glass. Also, plants can attack people, you drive your magnetized car into your living room, home videos are now home holograms, and oh yes, there's that whole 'predicting future murders so you can stop them' thing. That's new.

The movie is dark. It is long. It moves along at a quick pace as all non-Kubrick inspired Spielberg films tend to do. It is also quite good.

Engrossing. Engaging. Easy to enjoy as long as you don't have an entire family of noisy, annoying people who brought kids too young to sit still for an entire grown-up movie. People who kick the back of your chair, tap their feet constantly like some kind of deranged metronome pounding on your skull and turn around every ten minutes to explain the movie to their kids.

But if you manage to avoid that kind of family, you'll be fine.

If you are that kind of family, shame on you. Shame, shame, shame. You should be flogged.

Looking back at the film, there is one glaring problem. The whole chopping up of Tom Cruise in the first twenty minutes of the movie was, in my opinion, a waste of an otherwise bankable star.

OK, I'm kidding about that.

But there is a definite problem with the story, but it's one that doesn't occur to you until after you see the movie and are sitting at home enjoying a Mike's Hard Lemonade.

The entire movie shouldn't have to take place.

Which is kind of a glaring hole in the plot, don't you think?

I won't go any further, and I beg all of you to completely forget that I write that, so that you don't go looking for it and ruin your chance at enjoying the film. This is where the whole pre-review idea would've been great, don't you agree?


Minority Report is a slick futuristic thriller. Truth be told, there's not as much action as you might expect, but that doesn't make it a lesser film. Spielberg doesn't need to use action to bring you in when atmosphere will do just as well.

I'm giving Minority Report 3 4/5 Bablyons. This clash of the titans, Spielberg and the soon-to-be Black and Decker Pecker Wrecker, doesn't disappoint, but doesn't exactly take the medium of film to the next level either.

Editor's Note:

What the hell is that last sentence about? Like the SMC's reviews bring the medium of reviews to the next level...

Minority Report
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Steven Spielberg
Starring: Tommy "Jaws" Cruise, Max Von Sydow, Colin Farrell, Samantha Morton, Neal McDonough, Tim Blake Nelson, Arye Gross, Peter Stormare, and the Kamosa Triplets.

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