Disturbing reports are coming from an archaeological dig in
Stratford-On-Avon, the home town of one of literature's greatest
figures, William Shakespeare. While nothing is certain, and no
official word has been released, rumors are flying that the dig
has uncovered unquestionable proof that the Great Bard was, in
fact, a meatloaf.
The idea that Shakespeare could have been a dinner item is not a
new one. In 1902, Harvard Professor Charles Burtonshire theorized
that the play "Hamlet," was not actually a timeless epic about a
forsaken Danish Price, but is instead a cry from a side of bacon
striving to be more. Then, in 1924, the incredible "Shakespeare
Condiments" were found which led many to believe that the great
playwright was a hamburger, hot dog or other barbecue item.
According to this group, "The Merchant of Venice" was not a
money-grubbing Shylock, but a deli owner.
In either case, it is interesting to point out that, like the
current rumor, all the past theories have cast Shakespeare as a
meat product. But only the new 'Meatloaf Theory' explains "The
Merry Wives of Windsor," a play chock full of little bits of this
and that. It is a play that is less likely to have been written
by a man, and more likely to have been written by ground beef,
topped with catsup and bacon.
What is extraordinary about the new rumors is that they are not
fueled by an uncovered basting pan or salad fork, but rather by
some uncovered lost 1st scene of "The Tempest." In them, Prospero
laments to Ariel about the trials and tribulations of being a main course
on an island without side dishes.
American reaction to this stunning rumor was divided.
"Well sure I can see where it makes sense," said NYU Professor Hank
Smith, "but you gotta raise your eyebrow when this rumor comes less
than a month after we discovered that e. e. cummings was actually
a fancy rice dish. I think they're just trying to steal our