The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Disturbing reports are coming from an archaeological dig in Stratford-On-Avon, the home town of one of literature's greatest figures, William Shakespeare. While nothing is certain, and no official word has been released, rumors are flying that the dig has uncovered unquestionable proof that the Great Bard was, in fact, a meatloaf.

The idea that Shakespeare could have been a dinner item is not a new one. In 1902, Harvard Professor Charles Burtonshire theorized that the play "Hamlet," was not actually a timeless epic about a forsaken Danish Price, but is instead a cry from a side of bacon striving to be more. Then, in 1924, the incredible "Shakespeare Condiments" were found which led many to believe that the great playwright was a hamburger, hot dog or other barbecue item. According to this group, "The Merchant of Venice" was not a money-grubbing Shylock, but a deli owner.

In either case, it is interesting to point out that, like the current rumor, all the past theories have cast Shakespeare as a meat product. But only the new 'Meatloaf Theory' explains "The Merry Wives of Windsor," a play chock full of little bits of this and that. It is a play that is less likely to have been written by a man, and more likely to have been written by ground beef, topped with catsup and bacon.

What is extraordinary about the new rumors is that they are not fueled by an uncovered basting pan or salad fork, but rather by some uncovered lost 1st scene of "The Tempest." In them, Prospero laments to Ariel about the trials and tribulations of being a main course on an island without side dishes.

American reaction to this stunning rumor was divided.

"Well sure I can see where it makes sense," said NYU Professor Hank Smith, "but you gotta raise your eyebrow when this rumor comes less than a month after we discovered that e. e. cummings was actually a fancy rice dish. I think they're just trying to steal our thunder."

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