One of the joys of being a celebrated Hollywood film critic is having
hundreds of beautiful women throw themselves at you on a daily basis.
At least that's what Ebert always says, I wouldn't know.
One of my main joys is leafing through the volumes of email I recieve
weekly and counting death threats. (A number which grew logarithmically
when I didn't give Phantom Meanace 5 Babylons.) Here, then, is a tidbit
of this mail. Some of the more interesting communications I've recieved
lately. A look into my personal Hell. And an excuse as to why I didn't
see Tarzan or General's Daughter this week:
Subject: Heather Graham
I'd like to note that I am duely impressed with the SMC lack of Heather
Graham commentary when it came to Austin Powers:The Spy Who Shagged Me.
Hell, *I* wouldn't have been able to refrain from making
"slobbering/drooling"-type comments about how hot she is...no matter how
good the movie. Kudos to you, SMC.
Sure she's hot in Austin P. But if you really care about her acting
skills, you should go rent Boogie Nights, where she gives us
full-frontal, yinny and all.
Subject: Self Made Name
I don't know if anybody else ever asked this question before, but I was
just wondering: What's the Critic's real name? I find many names on your
list of credits, and yet you don't give the Self Made's real name.
What's up with that? Is the Critic too scared to give out his name?
Not at all, Scott. My name is Horace P. Bing-Wallerwaller. Horry,
for short. Although I have in the past gone by such names as Rufus Q.
Zittelclerk, Vito D. Fishswallower, Abascus Thermond Yintz, George Lucas
(had some legal problems with that one) and Felicia Hooknose.
Subject: 7-Eleven reference in SMC's Notting Hill review
I'm abashed to admit this, but I worked at a 7-Eleven for four years....
I have completely ignored the rest of this message because A) you
used the word 'abashed' and B) You admit to having worked at a 7-Eleven
for four years, thus creating a paradox. No one who has ever worked at
a 7-Eleven has ever been known to utter the word 'abashed.' It's simply
not done. Therefore, I must assume that you are an imposter sent to
undermine my eventual total domination of the world. I'll bet you're
REALLY abashed now, aren't you Beth?
Subject: Pardon the intrusion, but...
Snippet from your review of AP2:
OK, if you're some kind of weird purist, and you're looking for a
cohesive plot and deep character development, then you are a true
fuddy-duddy and have no right to see this movie. But if you want to
laugh your knickers off, this baby is your ticket.
Snippet from your review of SW1:
I would have absolutely loved this movie about 2 1/2 years ago. Back
then, such things as character development, quality acting and cohesive
story lines meant nothing to me.
So um, what's the problem?
I see no problem. How dare you intrude.
Subject: SMC is liking film. Hulk smash.
Liking things not funny.
Please go back to reviewing films you do not like.
PS or we will invent more naughty words that Americans will use unawares
First of all, I'm not entirely sure who 'we' are that will be
inventing these naughty words. I'm going to ignore the fact that your
name is Paddy and that you email address seems to be coming from Ireland
and assume that you're from the land of The Hulk. First off, welcome!
I didn't know I was so well read in HulkLand! Please don't create any
new words for us Americans to unknowingly use! We couldn't stand
another "Uhhhnngg!" or "Eeerrrougggnhh!" Therefore, I will do my best
to only views films I do not like, a task made simpler by my new resolve
to only review Irish films.
From the Notting Hill Review: "Now that I think about it, what is it
with Hugh and American babes? How does he manage to boink Julia Roberts,
Andie MacDowell and Julianne Moore but no Brits? Let's see him bag a
babe from his own island!
...uhh, whatever happened to Elizabeth "Ugly" Hurley?
I'm talking about chicks we've been able to SEE him bag. And
ignoring the unseen Spanish film on which they met, we've never actually
SEEN Hugh take Liz to bed. Unless there's some Pamela/Tommy Lee-style
video going around that I don't know about. Anyone?
Subject: SMC's Height,
Did you notice on the review of Austin Powers when the editor gave the
SMC midget's height, which is plainly stated as one eighth of the SMC's
height, that if you figure it out it makes the SMC only 4'5". Just
But it's 4'5" of sheer manliness.