The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

The Last Conspiracy Theory

Finally, the truth can be told. After much investigation, we, The Brunching Shuttlecocks, have uncovered the truth behind it all. And we shall now share that truth with you. But be warned! Reading any further will forever change your life!!!

Long ago, a super race of people lived on Mars, and built pyramids and faces and stuff, and they were happy. Humans on Earth were not as smart, and were in fact, quite dumb, spending most of their time clubbing people and stealing their caves. The advanced Martians, who were really a lot like us, traveled back and forth from Mars to Earth and were thought to be Gods, and since they were really a bunch of self-important jerks, they didn't bother to correct anyone. Then, the mysterious 10th planet (Planet X) of the solar system swung by in a highly elliptical orbit and caused a total calamity on both worlds. Mars was totally wiped out, it lost it's atmosphere and everything and became a dead planet, similar in appearance to certain parts of Idaho. Meanwhile, Earth, which had been a kick-ass paradise up until then, was destroyed and devastated. The crust of the planet shifted 90 degrees and so the tropic region became the arctic and vise-versa. Tidal waves and shit totally wiped out just about everything on the face of the planet, and Humans on Earth were sent pretty much back to the stone age, which, truth told, was only a loss of about 20 years of advancement anyway, so it wasn't a big deal. The Martians knew that Planet X was coming, so they prepared to abandon Mars and take shelter on earth, if they could. But they had to wait for the devastation to pass. Meanwhile, since a few of the Martians had fallen into the habit of sleeping with the Humans, often two or three at a time, some of them wanted to try to save the puny sex objects, so they warned Noah that a great flood was coming (Noah wouldn't really have understood the whole Planet X thing) and so he built an Ark and mankind was able to survive. The big catastrophe happened and the Earth was ripped apart, a huge section of it was knocked off the Earth and into orbit where, after a few hundred years, it combined with pieces of Planet X (which was also injured by this cosmic collision) and became the moon. Thus, in a blink of an eye, Atlantis was forever destroyed. Legends say it sank, but that's because the only survivors were the ones not actually on the pieces of Atlantis that were being tossed out into space, and they simply saw the waters of the oceans swarm into the newly-formed large gaping hole in the side of the earth, which made it look like a giant flood had wiped out Atlantis once and for all. Anyway. Once everything settled, the remaining Martians who had been living in a large spaceship came down to Earth, their new home. Their huge spaceship actually landed in the Bermuda Triangle, and the radiation which is given off by the remains of the vessel is what causes all the weird stuff that happens there. They were again treated like Gods, and again, they thought that was totally cool. They lived longer than Man, but found that on the new planet, they were dying. There was some weird disease (Ebola) that was slowly killing them all. But they had a number of years before they were done, so they spread around the world and pretty much started every major religion on Earth before they died. Not because they cared about us, but because they really wanted to be worshipped after they were dead. They thought that'd be cool. A large group of them ended up in Egypt and they were actually almost cool, and they created the Pyramids and the Sphinx in an attempt to create a warning and to tell their history to future generations. They also organized the little Humans in the area and gave them knowledge and stuff and that's why the Egyptian civilization is pretty much the oldest. Other Martians started stuff in Iraq and Asia and stuff, to explain those civilizations, but it really all started in Egypt. And so Humans began to grow, and the Martians died, until they finally found a cure to Ebola (but forgot to share it with us, which would be a big oversight 12,000 years later) and the last few remaining Mankind, seeing that the Humans were a violent and paranoid people who were beginning to eye their "Gods" with suspicion, hid themselves away from the public eye, but continued to guide the forces of Man from within. They formed the Illuminati, and their few legions of Human followers formed the Knights Templar. Which then eventually became the Freemasons. They tried numerous times over time to inter-breed humans with the few remaining Martians to create a hybrid race, and these failed experiments resulted in Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman, and amazingly enough, the Loch Ness Monster. Meanwhile, another group of original Martians, who had left Mars before the devastation, but not come to Earth, ended up back on Mars and began to rebuild their world from the inside at the South Pole. The recent NASA Polar missions were too close to uncovering the truth, and had to be destroyed. Also, they still to this day enjoy traveling to Earth in their saucer-like ships and abducting Humans for a cheap thrill or some quick sex. Basically, they're a bunch of intergalactic hillbillies. Today, the Freemasons work with the Illuminati and numerous governments across the world to guide Humanity, and to try to stop the coming disaster when what's left of Planet X cycles through it's 13,000 year orbit and again side-swipes Earth and Mars. This will happen on December 23rd, 2012, as chronicled in the Mayan calendar. You heard it here first.

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