Magic, sword fights, demonic possessions...hmm...demonic
See, I already wrote this review. It was a good review, very funny,
a classic in the making. I began it about 11 minutes ago and
finished it exactly 1 minute and 32 seconds ago. 1 minute and 27
seconds ago my program crashed before I was able to save anything
and I lost the entire review. It started with the above sentence.
A good sentence, one which enticed the reader and excited him or
her at the same time.
I went on to make a good joke about how Hollywood always scores
its fantasy movies with Metallica. It was a funny joke at the
Then I told you that I saw Kull the Conqueror, a movie that stars
the scantily-clad Kevin Sorbo. I made a bunch of witty remarks
about how Sorbo never wears a shirt in this movie. I compared the
audience for this to the audience of The Full Monty and Kiss me
Guido. It was a great leap, and again, was very funny.
I told you who else was in the movie. I remarked that it was silly
to cast such tantalizing babes and not have them take any clothes
off. I mentioned that Harvey Fierstein is in this movie. I didn't
have to make a joke about that, it's funny enough on its own.
I tried to impress you by stating that Kull is actually the father
of a little guy named Conan. It was a simple comment that actually
had nothing to do with the movie, but there're some new folks in
the Self-Made world and I wanted to impress them.
Bet I'm impressing them now.
I made more jokes about how this movie is the ultimate no-brainer.
I made some Tarzan-speak jokes. You know, "Uhng. Kull kill.
Effects good. Not for Mom," etc.
I was really hitting full steam and was describing my version of
a typical day on the set. Hilarity ensued.
But then the stupid computer crashed and I lost everything.
Everything, I tell you. So oh well, you guys all miss out on the
funniest review in weeks, Sucks to be you.
You know, let this be a lesson to everyone out there in this digital
age. Save your work, always. Don't just think "Hey, I'm on a
cool-awesome machine. It loves me. It'll never crash on me!"
Because it will. They always do. They wait for the most inopportune
moment and BAM! you've lost your last will and testament. Or in
my case, a marvelous review.
I just can't bring myself to try to live up to perfection. I'm
sorry. Kull was a silly movie. If you like half-naked Kevin Sorbos
(and who doesn't?) then it's totally your thing.
Don't expect any acting awards to be given out to the Kull franchise
any time soon, Kevin isn't in this thing for his mind. The real
stars of this baby are his pecs. They're nice pecs. Better than
mine. I want them.
Truth told, this movie was a welcome diversion from reality.
Although it has perhaps the worst kiss on record. But then, it
made me feel better about the time I got drunk and necked with the
Wanna know a secret? I only saw this film because I'm a huge fan
of Xena: Warrior Princess. Unfortunately, Gabrielle was not in
this film, nor had she any reason to be, but hope springs eternal.
Hey, if anyone out there can introduce me to Gabrielle, I will be
your personal slave for a day. I must have her, it's genetic.
But I digress.
Kull the Conqueror gets 2 Babylons. However, that's just based on
the quality of the picture. If you want to turn your brain off
and see the pretty people hack at each other, rate it a bit higher.
but I do mean turn your brain off. As in all the way off, no
circuits connecting, nothing. Not a single synapse.
OK, I'm going home.
The reason the machine crashed, is that the Self-Made Critic was
actually downloading topless images of 1991 Playboy Playmate of
the Year Lisa Matthews. Some files are just too big...
But you didn't hear that from me.
Kull the Conqueror
Directed by: John Nicolella
Starring: Kevin Sorbo, Tia Carrere, Harvey Fierstein, Karina
Lombard and, of course, Kevin's Pecs.