by David Neilsen

On the cover of USA Today for Monday, October 6th, was a graphic which depicted which of the Supreme Court Justices had written the most "majority opinions."

The first thing you notice, aside from the fact that a "majority opinion" sounds vaguely pre-schoolish -- "Sorry Suzie, we took a vote, and the majority opinion is that you're a big doo-doo head" -- is that the most recent name on the list died in 1932. In fact, of the 7 men on the list, only 1 began his career after the turn of the century. What does that tell us?

That it's time for our boys to get cracking!

I understand the pressures the modern Supreme Court Justice has to deal with these days, I've come up with a quick list of some simple "majority opinions" that they should hurry up and make law in an attempt to catch up with their aged brethren.

• Pauly Shore shouldn't make any more movies. I think the various box office returns for his last few attempts prove that this is a majority opinion, don't you?
• Dolphins are cute. Oh come on, they're just adorable! Let's go ahead and make 'em officially cute and we can all just move on with our lives.
• It should be legal to kill anyone who doesn't clear the intersection before the light changes. I think we can all agree on that.
• Supreme Court Justices can have sex with anyone, anytime, anywhere. Not that this would effect me, but it's just the kind of majority opinion I'd come up with were I them.
• Violence is acceptable when defending the honor of the "12 items or less" line. I'm tired of waiting for Momma Wiggly to force her 16, 17 or even 18 items through my "quick-check" line.
• One-hit wonders are not allowed to keep coming out with re-mixes of their one hit to get radio play. I say if your time is up, it's up. Go get a job a K-Mart.
• Robes are required at all formal functions. This way, the Justices can stay in uniform at parties and impress the girls.
• The Macarena is punishable by death. Majority opinion will back this baby up. And finally..
• All Supreme Court Justices must be referred to as "Galactic Supreme Lord Sovereign."

It is my belief that these, along with any other opinions you wanna pass, will go a long way toward putting our current Justices on the same list as their highly prolific ancestors. And after all, what's the good of being on the Supreme Court if you aren't in the record books?