The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Beaches, Babes, Boobs and Blood.

In the hands of a skilled filmmaker, that's really all you ever need to make a really great movie. So naturally, my hopes for "I Still Know What You Did Last Summer" were high.

Sadly, it was not made by a skilled filmmaker. In fact, near as I can tell, it was made by a small rodent or perhaps a tree sloth.

First of all, the title's all wrong. Yeah, yeah, it's a sequel to the teen slasher hit "I Know What You Did Last Summer." But it really should be titled "I Still Remember Vaguely What You Did Two Summers Ago," but that's a rather wordy title. What's next? "I Looked at my Diary to Refresh my Memory about What You Did Three Summers Ago?" I mean come on!

Story in a nutshell. Surviving babe from first film is now in college. Her roommate babe takes her to the Bahamas. A bunch of young studs come along for the ride so that we can have some characters to kill. Hook-Hand, whose body was never found after the first movie, is slashing and dashing his way through the populace. Insert bouncing bosoms here. Insert gore there.

Going into the film, I had a question regarding Hook-Hand. (Don't you love how lame the killer's names are getting? You could do a thesis paper on it. "From Pin-Head to Hook-Hand: The Evolution of the Deranged Killer's Moniker.") The last movie ended with his hand being severed off while still gripping his hook. So now he's back and slashing. Does that mean he's slashing with his other hand? Is his aim still as sharp? Is he ambidextrous? Or did he have a hook surgically attached to his severed stub? And if you're the doctor, what do you think when this patient comes to you and asks you to attach a violent hook to his bloody arm? "Oh sure, would you like to sharpen that hook on my sternum once it's attached?" Puh-lease.

Naturally, the film answered this incredible question, and naturally I'm not going to share the answer with you.

The main problem with this movie is that it is bad. Sure, there's spills and chills and thrills, but who cares? Sure there's booty o'plenty, but everyone in this film just looks so young, I feel like a dirty old man even noticing the kiddie boobage. And can't these girls learn to wear a bra? They have all this skin flopping around and I don't think they've hit puberty!

The film has nothing new, nothing interesting, and nothing at stake. The director took the reins of this franchise with one purpose in mind, to ensure that there could be another sequel.

And of course, the possibility is wide open. Why can't these darned killers ever really die?

"I Still Have A Faint Idea Of What You Did A Couple Of Summers Ago" is lame. I mean, just the idea. Heck, do you remember what you were doing two summers ago? I've got a slight recollection, but the details are all hazy. How's this psycho, who's been pretty much killed a couple of times already, gonna remember the actions of a bunch of stupid teenagers?

If you are into lame movies filled with kiddie soft-porn, then this is for you. If, instead, you want a real Horror flick of recent days, go rent "Scream," or "Halloween H20." See how the professionals do it, not the cutesy TV stars.

"I Still Want to Go to the Beach Next Summer" gets 1 Babylon. Skip it, move on. Next!

Editor's Note:

The SMC didn't even see this movie. He read a review of this movie and wrote his review from it because he is too lazy to walk down to the local Mann's and spend 8 measly bucks and 2 hours of his time to fulfill his weekly obligation to his editor. What did he do all weekend instead? Probably went to a Felicity convention or had his plastic Vulcan ears sharpened.

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Rated: R
Directed By: Danny Cannon
Starring: Jennifer Love Hewitt, Brandy Norwood, Ricky Schroder, Jonathan Taylor Thomas, The Olsen Twins, Gary Coleman and every other teenage TV-star that was or ever will be.

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