The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a Baloney sandwich
Hello. Welcome to The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a Baloney
and Cheese Sandwich. Ready for Lunch? Good! Let's begin!
We're going to start our journey by assuming that you already possess each of
the individual items you'll be needing to make this sandwich. It's a bit of
a stretch, I know, but Lord knows we don't have time to take you shopping.
So, that said, the first thing you're gonna need is a place to make your
sandwich. My suggestion would be a plate. So reach into your cupboard and
grab a plate. Any will do. No, that's a bowl. Plates are flat. Right,
yes, that's flat, but it's a cutting board. Plates are going to be round.
Yes the bowl is round, but it's not flat, is it? Just.. Christ, forget it.
Grab that cutting board you had in your hands. Perfect. Put it down.
On the counter, not the floor.
Much better. Alright, you're ready to start. You need bread.
Personally, I prefer either wheat or sourdough, but you might prefer white,
rye, pumpernickel, a French roll...you're just staring at me. What do you
mean you don't have any bread like that? Like what? What kind of bread do
Wonder. Fine, it's pre-sliced.
Take out two slices of Wonder Bread. Two. More than one, less than three.
That's three. Put one back. Perfect. Place your two slices of Wonder Bread
on your cutting board. See how easy this is?
OK, you need some sandwich ingredients, open your refrigerator.
Your refrigerator. Big thing in your kitchen. Stores food. Yes, and beer,
too. That's the one.
Take out the cheese, the baloney, the mayo...you're giving me that look again.
Let's stop there. Cheese, baloney and mayo. Mayonnaise. It's a sandwich
spread. White. No, that's Miracle Whip. Yes, it's a white sandwich spread
but.. fine. Miracle Whip will do. Put it on the counter next to the bread.
OK. Now we...where's the cheese and baloney? Didn't I just say... uhg! Go
back to the refrigerator and.. no, leave the Miracle Whip where it is, just
go back to the fridge and open it. Good. Grab the cheese. Any kind will
do. Oh Jesus, just pick one!
No, that's brie. It doesn't go well with baloney. What the Hell are you
doing with brie?
How about cheddar, do you have cheddar? It's probably orange. Yes! That's
cheddar! Bring it to the counter next to cutting board. Now go back to the
fridge. I'm sorry, are you getting dizzy? It can happen, get used to it.
Open the fridge again. You're looking for baloney. God willing, it'll be
pre-sliced. Baloney. It's meat. You're looking for a package filled with
slices of meat.
Yes! That's the baloney! Very good! Now bring that over to the food. No,
we're done with the fridge, you'll just throw out whatever you don't use, I
can't bear to go through the fridge disaster again.
OK, now you're ready to start making a baloney and cheese sandwich. Open the
Miracle Whip. Open it. Twist the lid off of the jar. What do you mean it
won't come off? Twist the other direction. There ya go! Now you need a
You don't need a sharp knife, you just need a spreading knife. Dull. Very
dull. The duller the better. No! Not that! Put that down before you kill
someone! Try to find a knife without a wooden handle. No, that has a wooden
handle doesn't it? That probably means it's sharp. Don't test it to see!
Just put it down! Find a dull, regular, boring knife!
OK. Perfect. That's a nice simple spreading knife. Dip it into the Miracle
Whip. Now lift it out of the Miracle Whip and spread it on the slices of
bread. Carefully. Not too hard, you'll tear the bread.
Harder than that. The knife has to at least touch the bread to leave the
There ya go. Now do the other slice of bread. Perfect! You're a regular
Julia Childs now!
She's a famous cook....nevermind.
Now your bread is spread. Quit giggling. You are going to place a slice of
baloney on one piece of bread. Open the package. No, this package doesn't
screw open. Just pull the back end away from the rest of the package. See
how it's opening up? Excellent. Take out a slice of baloney. Place it on
one of the slices of bread. No, you don't need the knife for this.
Good! You're almost there! Now it's time to cut the cheese.
I said stop giggling.
The cheese is unopened? OK, don't panic. Take the dull knife.. the other
end, grab the other end of the knife! Slice the package of cheese open.
Just jam it in there and.. don't worry about hurting the cheese! Just slice
the damn thing open!
Very good, you're getting to be really good with the knife. Lord help us all.
Now take the block of cheese out and lay it on the counter. Just lay it on
the counter, who cares if it's dirty! Like you're gonna be living long at
this rate anyway! OK. Again with the knife, cut yourself a few slices of
cheese. Thinner than that, you want more than two slices out of your block.
Thinner. Thinner. Thinner! Just...measure with your pinky! Your pinky
should be at least two slices thick. What are you...DON'T SLICE YOUR PINKY!!!
You know what? Forget it! Throw the cheese away. Throw it away! You're
just having a baloney sandwich today, I can't deal with this. Don't look at
me like that, throw the cheese in the garbage!
Now pick up one slice of bread and put it down on the other. Miracle
Whip-side down. Well turn it over, you can't eat a sandwich with the Miracle
Whip side facing out!
Because I said so!!!
OK. Pick up the sandwich.
Congratulations! You've made a Baloney Sandwich! Dufus.