The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a Baloney sandwich
by David Neilsen

Hello. Welcome to The Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a Baloney and Cheese Sandwich. Ready for Lunch? Good! Let's begin!

We're going to start our journey by assuming that you already possess each of the individual items you'll be needing to make this sandwich. It's a bit of a stretch, I know, but Lord knows we don't have time to take you shopping.

So, that said, the first thing you're gonna need is a place to make your sandwich. My suggestion would be a plate. So reach into your cupboard and grab a plate. Any will do. No, that's a bowl. Plates are flat. Right, yes, that's flat, but it's a cutting board. Plates are going to be round. Yes the bowl is round, but it's not flat, is it? Just.. Christ, forget it. Grab that cutting board you had in your hands. Perfect. Put it down.

On the counter, not the floor.

Much better. Alright, you're ready to start. You need bread.

Personally, I prefer either wheat or sourdough, but you might prefer white, rye, pumpernickel, a French roll...you're just staring at me. What do you mean you don't have any bread like that? Like what? What kind of bread do you have?

Wonder. Fine, it's pre-sliced.

Take out two slices of Wonder Bread. Two. More than one, less than three. That's three. Put one back. Perfect. Place your two slices of Wonder Bread on your cutting board. See how easy this is?

OK, you need some sandwich ingredients, open your refrigerator.

Your refrigerator. Big thing in your kitchen. Stores food. Yes, and beer, too. That's the one.

Take out the cheese, the baloney, the mayo...you're giving me that look again. Let's stop there. Cheese, baloney and mayo. Mayonnaise. It's a sandwich spread. White. No, that's Miracle Whip. Yes, it's a white sandwich spread but.. fine. Miracle Whip will do. Put it on the counter next to the bread.

OK. Now we...where's the cheese and baloney? Didn't I just say... uhg! Go back to the refrigerator and.. no, leave the Miracle Whip where it is, just go back to the fridge and open it. Good. Grab the cheese. Any kind will do. Oh Jesus, just pick one!

No, that's brie. It doesn't go well with baloney. What the Hell are you doing with brie?

How about cheddar, do you have cheddar? It's probably orange. Yes! That's cheddar! Bring it to the counter next to cutting board. Now go back to the fridge. I'm sorry, are you getting dizzy? It can happen, get used to it. Open the fridge again. You're looking for baloney. God willing, it'll be pre-sliced. Baloney. It's meat. You're looking for a package filled with slices of meat.

That's bacon.

Yes! That's the baloney! Very good! Now bring that over to the food. No, we're done with the fridge, you'll just throw out whatever you don't use, I can't bear to go through the fridge disaster again.

OK, now you're ready to start making a baloney and cheese sandwich. Open the Miracle Whip. Open it. Twist the lid off of the jar. What do you mean it won't come off? Twist the other direction. There ya go! Now you need a knife.

Oh God.

You don't need a sharp knife, you just need a spreading knife. Dull. Very dull. The duller the better. No! Not that! Put that down before you kill someone! Try to find a knife without a wooden handle. No, that has a wooden handle doesn't it? That probably means it's sharp. Don't test it to see! Just put it down! Find a dull, regular, boring knife!

OK. Perfect. That's a nice simple spreading knife. Dip it into the Miracle Whip. Now lift it out of the Miracle Whip and spread it on the slices of bread. Carefully. Not too hard, you'll tear the bread.

Harder than that. The knife has to at least touch the bread to leave the spread.

There ya go. Now do the other slice of bread. Perfect! You're a regular Julia Childs now!

She's a famous cook....nevermind.

Now your bread is spread. Quit giggling. You are going to place a slice of baloney on one piece of bread. Open the package. No, this package doesn't screw open. Just pull the back end away from the rest of the package. See how it's opening up? Excellent. Take out a slice of baloney. Place it on one of the slices of bread. No, you don't need the knife for this.

Good! You're almost there! Now it's time to cut the cheese.

I said stop giggling.

The cheese is unopened? OK, don't panic. Take the dull knife.. the other end, grab the other end of the knife! Slice the package of cheese open. Just jam it in there and.. don't worry about hurting the cheese! Just slice the damn thing open!

Very good, you're getting to be really good with the knife. Lord help us all.

Now take the block of cheese out and lay it on the counter. Just lay it on the counter, who cares if it's dirty! Like you're gonna be living long at this rate anyway! OK. Again with the knife, cut yourself a few slices of cheese. Thinner than that, you want more than two slices out of your block. Thinner. Thinner. Thinner! Just...measure with your pinky! Your pinky should be at least two slices thick. What are you...DON'T SLICE YOUR PINKY!!! God!

You know what? Forget it! Throw the cheese away. Throw it away! You're just having a baloney sandwich today, I can't deal with this. Don't look at me like that, throw the cheese in the garbage!

Now pick up one slice of bread and put it down on the other. Miracle Whip-side down. Well turn it over, you can't eat a sandwich with the Miracle Whip side facing out!

Because I said so!!!

OK. Pick up the sandwich.

Congratulations! You've made a Baloney Sandwich! Dufus.