How Stella Shook Her Groove Thang Or Something Like That
As a movie critic, it is my job to sit through what can sometimes be a
horrible experience. For better or worse, I saw the entirety of
Godzilla, The Avengers, Cable Guy, and more. I do this so that you, the
penny-pinching movie-goer, will not have to be so tortured.
Recently, I saw How Stella Grooved Her Brick House or something.
And left about half way through it. Lord, it was bad!
The film stars Angela Bassett and Whoopi Goldberg. Angela is Stella.
Whoopi is comic relief. The movie is bad.
We open our film with Stella. She's lost her groove. She calls Whoopi
and they go to Jamaica for a booty call. Stella finds booty, therefore,
finds groove. Sex equals life-fulfillment.
Naturally, I have no problem with that. It's a good message, one we
should teach our youth to honor. But this movie is not the forum that
particular platform needs. The conflict, if you can call it conflict,
is that Stella is 40, and the Booty with which she scratches her itch is
only 20. This is supposed to be a problem. My oh my, how will they
ever get past that?
"I'm old enough to be your mother!"
"Oh, well if you don't have a problem with it, neither do I! Let's
I left in the middle of the sex scene. Which is a really bad sign.
See the thing is, I got no feeling that Stella was missing her groove.
When we meet her, she's a successful single woman. Happy and content
with her life. All her friends tell her she needs a man. So she
decides that yes, her friends know her better than she does, and she
needs a man.
Then she goes to Jamaica and meets Stud-Boy. The entire courting
process is simply a series of close-ups on his various muscles. He's a
big stud. She's a hot babe. It must be love.
How does it end? I don't know, and I don't care. I hope she got her
groove and locked it up so she'd never lose it again and we won't have
to deal with a sequel.
But there's more that was bad about this than the script and story. It
felt like a student film. Badly lit, badly directed, badly edited, bad
everything. Mr. Director seemed to simply set up the camera and say
"Just walk around and do the scene. If you're in the shot when you
speak, it's a bonus!"
I think the most important lesson we can learn from this is: Chick
Films can be bad too.
Revenge of Stella's Groove gets 0 Babylons. None. Zip. Nada.
Diddly. Your Mom. I've watched more riveting white noise.
I have never seen The Critic give a movie 0 Babylons. It might be one
of the signs of the Apocalypse.
How Stella Got Her Groove Back
Directed By: An Idiot.
Starring: People Who Should Be Ashamed of Themselves.