The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Recently, it was my extreme good fortune to be quite ill for a number of days.

I caught what is normally referred to as "The Flu" and stayed bed-ridden for close to 72 hours. My nasal passages flowed with the flow of a swift country stream, and I coughed the cough of the damned until I could cough no more.

Now, while you may think of an illness as a curse, I took the time to look beyond what is normally seen and find the good in my experience. And I am here today to share this truth, this goodness, with you.

First of all, being ill gave me the chance to get to know the real me. I had been apart from this "real me" individual for some time and the reunion was touching to say the least. I asked me how I'd been and what I'd been up to, and I discovered that I had a new love of plants. The time I spent with me has made me a better person, a more complete human being.

Another joy gathered from my illness was the joy of mid-afternoon cable television. Usually I'm at work, and therefore unable to catch Fishmongers or Knitting with Natalia. But not while ill. I receive over 90 channels of cable television, from SpeedVision to The Golf Channel to six different pay-per-view-adult channels. That's right, six different ways to watch really ugly yet large-breasted women grunt sexually. At noon. Still, it beats Jerry Springer any day.

When my thoughts turned to hunger, I discovered yet another joy. The joy of an empty fridge. There are certain articles of food which one would never even approach eating unless stranded on a desert island without the tools needed for eating one's own body. So naturally, you eat them when your system is already under attack. Word to the wise: cereal never goes bad, no matter what the expiration date says. Also, if you're out of milk, try dipping your Honey Nut Cheerios in mustard. It's an old French trick, and you know how well the French eat.

There are, of course, numerous other wonders of an extended illness, such as Not Going To Work and Female Nurses, and one should try to expose oneself to all of them if at all possible. Suffice to say I was heartbroken when my temperature fell back under the century mark and I was pronounced fit as a fiddle.

Damn my health! Damn it all to hell!

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