The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Quick, name the movie:

It's a water adventure that begins with a seedy-looking group doing something naughty in order to get a whole lot of money. The leading man, while just doing his job, happens upon the scene of the adventure and gets swept up into it. The leading woman is someone already on the scene, but shouldn't have been there because everybody else who was there is gone, so why isn't she? As the water levels rise, everybody in the cast, good or bad, gets killed off one by one in some very gruesome ways. Everybody shoots guns, no one hits anyone. There's some really cool Jet Ski stunts in the movie and it ends with a really silly, corny line.

Give up?

Well that's OK, because it's a trick question.

The plot I just described is a perfect description for both Hard Rain and Deep Rising.

No really, it's uncanny.

So let's compare and contrast these sibling movies in a face-off.

Stud who saves the day

Deep Rising: Treat Williams. Hard Rain: Christian Slater.

Who the heck is Treat Williams? I don't know. but he's a big, studly man who knows what it's like to be a big studly man. I'll bet he gets chicks wherever he goes -- which is the only way to judge a leading man. Christian, however, will only be getting fat, bald serial rapists for a while, since he's in jail.

Advantage: Deep Rising

Total babe who gets wet

Deep Rising: Famke Janssen. Hard Rain: Minnie Driver.

Tough call. Famke was the best thing about Goldeneye (Anyone who kills by squeezing you in her thighs is awesome.) But then Minnie has been the best thing in most of the movies she's been in. While I'd like to meet Famke in a dark bedroom sometime, I'd really like to take Minnie home to meet my mother. They both look great wet, and both characters are a lot more than window dressing, in that they have lines, and they do a bunch of stuff in the movie besides pop out of their wet T-shirts.

Still, I love Minnie. She seems real.

Advantage: Hard Rain

Sidekick with a heart of gold

Deep Rising: Kevin J. O'Connor. Hard Rain: Morgan Freeman.

Not even a contest. Morgan is one of Hollywood's best actors, hands down. He can act his way out of a paper bag. Who is Kevin J. O'Connor? I don't know, but he has the best lines in the movie. And in "Hard, Deep Rising Rain", you don't need acting, you need snappy come-backs.

Advantage: Deep Rising

Big, Bulbous, evil, inhuman, CGI creature

Deep Rising: A huge octopus-like monster. Hard Rain: Randy Quaid.

Tentacles with teeth whip gun-totin' sheriffs any day.

Advantage: Deep Rising

Movie whose success the film is trying to capitalize on

Deep Rising: Titanic. Hard Rain: Titanic.

Yup. Too bad for them that you can add up their total box office proceeds and it doesn't yet match one week of "The Boat That Sank."

Advantage: Titanic

Sense of Humor

Deep Rising: good one-liners. Hard Rain: none.

Deep Rising knows it's a B-grade Monster movie. The opening theme is right out of a 50's serial. Hard Rain thinks it's an action blockbuster. It's wrong.

Advantage: Deep Rising

To sum up, it is clear that Deep Rising is a superior movie to Hard Rain. However, it is also much more bloody, so be aware, this is not for kids.

However, Hard Rain isn't for kids either, actually, it's not for much of anyone at all when you come think about it, except for those of us who really love Minnie Driver.

I give Hard Rain 2 Babylons, and Deep Rising 2 3/4. You can add another Babylon to Deep Rising if you really love schlock monster movies, 'cause it's a good example of that genre.

Wow, I'm a real critic, I used the word "genre" in my review. Cool.

Editor's Note:

However, he spelled it "janra" before I fixed it.

Hard Deep Rising Rain
Rated: R
Directed By: No one you've ever heard of.
Starring: Christian Slater, Treat Williams, Morgan Freeman, Kevin J. O'Connor, Minnie Driver, Famke Janssen, Randy Quaid and a really big CGI octopus-like thing.

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