The Grinch Who Stole Christmas
To Whom It May Concern,
Unhappy greetings from the top of Mt. Crumpet.
I am The Grinch. Earlier today, The Self-Made Critic wrote a review about me
and my movie. But I didn't like it. Nope, not one bit. So I stole it.
That's what I do.
This miserably commercial holiday season, Hollywood, that bastion of good
taste and common decency, has created a movie based upon the astounding
events of my life. Every Who in Whoville, as well as any Who not currently
residing in Whoville, should see my movie, because I get a percentage of the
This is, of course, not the first time that the entertainment industry has
come calling upon me. Many of you elder Whos may recall the glorious
animation program created about me. However, this is the first time that
they have dared cast an actual person to portray my greenness. Since I am
the greatest and most magnificent subject in the world, it was only right
that they hire the most popular actor alive to portray me, Jim Carrey.
I met with Mr. Carrey once or twice during the production, gave him some
tips, helped him out. He did a good job of being me. Quite possibly the
best job being me that anyone, other than myself of course, has ever done.
True, he's a little fatter than I am, and quite a bit uglier, but he expertly
captures the essence of me.
My story is a simple one. And if you don't know it, you're an idiot.
After spending my life being shunned by the evil, obnoxious and amazingly
noisy Whos in Whoville, I decide to do something about it, and stop their
barbaric Christmas celebrations once and for all. Only then will those
blasted Whos shut up! But of course this is Hollywood, so they add a cute
little girl. But she's not important. I am.
Actually, none of the other characters are important. They have real actors
portraying them, as I do, but who cares. They are Whos. Whos are boring.
The Grinch is interesting. That's just the way it is. I have a dog, Max.
He's interesting. But he's only a dog.
Supposedly Hollywood, or to be more precise, the director of this movie, one
Richie Cunningham, wants you to walk out of the theater after viewing my
movie, feeling warm and fuzzy. As if that's what Christmas is all about. I,
on the other hand, would like you to walk out of my movie with a desire for
strict vengeance against everyone who was ever treated you badly. Such is
the true meaning of Christmas. The Whos mocked me, and so I stole Christmas
from them! Right out from under their amazingly pig-like snouts!
The entire effort was so successfully nasty, it still brings a tear to my eye.
The Critic had some good points in his review. Not many, I assure you, only
a few. He went on and on about how amazing it was that Mr. Carrey looked so
much like me. That the make-up and costumes were top-flight. He wouldn't
shut up about how impressed he was that Mr. Carrey could be turned into a
lumpy green monster. His words, not mine. Quite frankly, I think The
Critic's remarks were a tad offensive, but I'm sure he doesn't care about
that. I mean it's not like I have eight legs, three eyes or anything really
demented. I'm just green and hairy. Nothing wrong with that!
He also said something about Production Design, but we all know that nobody
on the face of the Earth ever cared about a movie's Production Design. Most
of you idiots probably don't even know what it is.
I have saved you all from another dull rant from a self-important buffoon Who
thinks he's all hot stuff because Entertainment Weekly gave him an A. As if
anyone cares. And I'm not just saying that because I didn't get an A. I
don't want an A. A's are overrated. The Self-Made Critic also had the
audacity to give my movie 4 Babylons. What in blazes is a Babylon? Is that
supposed to be cute?
Anyway, enough of this. Go see my movie. If you don't, you'll be sorry. I
know where you live, and Christmas is just around the corner.
Hugs and Kisses,
Normally, I'd poke fun at the fact that the SMC is a loser for putting out
this fake review, but the fact that this review had many fewer grammatical
and spelling errors makes me wonder...
Dr. Seuss' How the Grinch Stole Christmas
Directed By: Ron Hula-hoo-Who Howard
Starring: Jim Cutting-crew-Who Carrey, Taylor Maple-dew-Who Momsen, Jeffery
Toodle-oo-Who Tambor, Christine Barber-boo-Who Baranski, Anthony
Hannibal-hulabaloo-Who Hopkins, and Max The Wonder Dog.