The Brunching Shuttlecocks are more than a uniquely ingenious comedy
syndicate. We belong to this world, just like the rest of you, and from
time to time, feel the need to educate and enlighten your lives. So it
was that we had the opportunity, nay the duty, to investigate and report
upon the latest fast food sensation: The Gorditas.
Brothers, the revolution has come. Armed with nothing but a five-dollar
bill, a passing knowledge of Spanish, and a desire to do good, I
ventured out to the local Taco Bell to dive into this obligation.
Any hope of feigning ignorance vanished as news of The Gorditas was
canopied atop the very door through which I sauntered to make my initial
purchase. The Gorditas had struck this once-Gordita-free establishment,
and left absolute madness in their wake. My obvious interest piqued the
curiosity of the stalwart young Lou Diamond Phillips-esque youth behind
"Welcome to Taco Bell, would you like to try our new Gorditas?"
I was horrified to see this child already tainted beyond all hope, but I
struggled on in my task, quietly asking for the purchase of not one, not
two, not three, but four of these media-hyped monsters. Heck, at 99
cents each, plus tax, they were a bargain in the making.
If they didn't first steal my soul.
He took my cash, and my dignity was compromised. Scant minutes later,
the test was before me.
Although faced with a number of appetizing choices, I had selected as my
poison the straight forward "Gordita Supreme." Apparently these were
the best Gorditas, reigning supreme over all other choices. Who was I
to argue with greatness?
The first bite: Succulent, meaty. The special sauce (sour cream)
teasing my taste buds with a hint of milky white goodness.
The second bite: Oh! There's cheese on this!
The fromage du Gordita
took the entire experience to another level. Combined with the creamy
sourness of its brother diary product, my lactose-intolerant stomach was
in for a rough time this evening!
The third bite: More meat. More cheese. A sprinkling of lettuce. Is
it me or does this taste like a Soft Taco? What's the catch? But then
it hit me.
The tortilla was bigger! Fluffier! Thicker!
Who knew? All this time, I had been eating my meat, lettuce, cheese and
sour cream in a thin, formless waste of a taco shell. But now, thanks
to Gordita, I can enjoy these same pleasures in a mouth-watering
Freedom at last!
I hope my experience has helped you, my fellow man. If even one of you
benefits from my trials and tribulations, then I can die happy.
¡Viva Las Gorditas!