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What a stupid whale, every time he gets close to that kid, something bad happens.

Catch a clue Willy! Dump the kid and you'll live a much happier life!

So I saw Free Willy 3: The Rescue and answered one of the nagging questions of the last few years. "Why does that darned whale keep letting himself get captured?"

Turns out, he doesn't. He's been free since the end of the first movie but they have to name the sequels after the first flick, so they all get the eternally snickered "Free Willy" moniker. I mean come on folks, a kids movie named Free Willy? Why not just call it "Release Genitalia"?

Anyway, this time Willy has a mate (The Whale gets a little booty for his hard work) and he's threatened by whale harpooners. Can Jesse save the day?

Actually, in an odd move, it doesn't really matter. See the kid from the first two movies, as well as the Indian guy are minor characters in this one. This time, we get a new troubled little boy (they seem to have a never ending supply of them) and the boy's whale-hunting father.

Which proves that this isn't a franchise based on any one actor, (aside from the whale) but that it's based on the idea of a relationship between a big ol' whale and a young, impressionable boy. Odd. Wonder what they'll do for the next Willy adventure, or will they just remake Orca and call it Free Willy 4: Willy's Revenge?

OK, is this a good film? Yes, if you're either under 13 or a whale-hugging eco-lover. And I mean that in the best possible way. The story is rather blah, but a darker blah, as the whale hunters go around harpooning whales and it gets a little grim at times. The story has fundamental holes in it, such as "If the Whale Hunters have been doing this for the past few years, how come they never bothered Willy until the kid sows up?" but a ten year-old enthralled by the incredible whale footage won't give a flying frig.

Truth told, I liked this one, if just a bit. It tugged at me, was beautiful to look at, and, well darn it, you gotta just totally dig the whale. I wanna go swimming with one now. Looks like fun.

But I ain't naming my whale Willy. That's just way too trendy.

All told, Free Willy 3: The Rescue gets 2 1/2 Babylons. However, if you are a kid, or you know a kid, or you feel like a kid or something like that, add on another Babylon. But I warn you all, there ain't no bloody car chases, there ain't no sharp-shooting gun slingers and there ain't no naked women.

Unless you wanna count Willy's mate. I mean it's a whale, yeah, but it's a female whale. And she don't wear any clothes.

OK, I'm making myself sick.

Editor's Note:

I don't want to give the ending of this movie away but they show a little baby whale BEING BORN!!!! Mr. Self-Made wasn't as into this as I was because he was getting a little nauseous from the completely natural act, but I was ecstatic!

Really, it was too incredible, a baby whale! Little Willy!

Now THAT'S a sexual euphemism if I've ever heard one.

Free Willy 3: The Rescue
Rated: PG
Directed by: Sam Pillsbury
Starring: A whale.

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