Football is a game of men fighting men in the trenches, waging war in an
effort to triumph over the other team.
It's also a game about superstitions. NFL teams often hold bizarre
rituals before upcoming games in an effort to woo Lady Luck to their
side. This weekend was the start of the NFL Playoffs, and the eight
teams involved in the four games of the week each preformed their
different ceremonies. And as in war, the best rituals won the game.
Game 1 -- Miami Dolphins vs Buffalo Bills
Miami QB Dan Marino has never beaten Buffalo QB Doug Flutie, so he tried
to exercise that demon by burning 479 boxes of Flutie Flakes.
Buffalo preformed voodoo by eating 78 cans of non-dolphin-safe tuna.
Result -- Miami 24, Buffalo 17
Game 2 -- Arizona Cardinals vs. Dallas Cowboys
Arizona, not having won a playoff game since 1947, turned back the clock
by raising the spirits of the dead members of that last championship
team and challenging them to a game of checkers.
Dallas got ready for their game by purchasing 108 pounds of Bolivian
cocaine and sexually harassing 24 women in their hotel rooms.
Result -- Arizona 20, Dallas 7
Game 3 -- Jacksonville Jaguars vs. New England Patriots
Jacksonville, having never beaten the Patriots before in their short
history, seceded from the Union and spent the week before the game
talking with British accents.
New England spent the week surfing in Florida. They knew they weren't
gonna win with their starting QB out with an injured finger.
Result -- Jacksonville 25, New England 10
Game 4 -- San Francisco 49ers vs. Green Bay Packers
The City of San Francisco, having lost 5 straight to Green Bay --
including three straight playoff loses, held a "San Francisco Cheese
Party" and tosses 385 cubic feet of cheese into the San Francisco Bay,
destroying its fragile ecosystem.
Green Bay, having defeated the 49ers five straight times -- including
three straight playoff victories, figured they didn't have to do
anything. I mean they OWN these guys.
Result -- San Francisco 30, Green Bay 27