What is Everquest?

EverQuest is an MMORPG.

What, aside from a tragic abuse of a perfectly good alphabet, is an MMORPG?

It stands for "Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game." In other words, a fantasy elf-and-dragon sort of world that you and hundreds of other players crowd into simultaneously.

So it's an immersive fantasy world come to life?

Yes, if your favorite fantasy literature includes a lot of adolescents who consider the letter "u" by itself to be a valid pronoun. Otherwise, not precisely.

But I can at least put myself into the shoes of an adventurer, righting wrongs and fighting evil?

Sort of. The evil in question reappears in the world after you vanquish it, often within mere minutes. and the world as a whole never changes because of anything you do. So in that way it's less like being a fantasy adventurer and more like being a social worker.

What's the appeal, then?

Gaining powers and loot. Plus a sense of a job well done, but let's face it, you can get that from cleaning your kitchen and it only costs 89 cents for a canister of Comet. For forty bucks plus ten bucks a month you're going to want powers and loot.

Can I make new friends?

Bunky, if your idea of expanding your social life is becoming pals with Embolia Greenmountain while battling Aviaks in South Karana, you're in luck. In some cases such friendships can even lead to a online wedding between your characters. It's possible such marriages are somehow consummated, but I'd really rather not think about it.

Can we have children?

I said I'd rather not think about it.

Where does the name EverQuest come from?

Well, the Quest is because you get sent on quests, and the Ever is because you're going to have to wait forever to finish one. The objects of the quests have to be shared by everyone who wants to earn a Sword of Lunchtime or whatever, so you often have to stand in line for hours at a time to kill whatever baddie you're sent to dispatch. It's a lot like the DMV, only with more gnomes.

Can I play classic fantasy races and professions?

And how! The EverQuest Quality Assurance department spent long months tracking down every trace of originality in the game world so it could be removed in airtight containers. What remains is pure distilled essence of cliché, saving you from the heartbreak of having to challenge preconceived notions of what Elves do in their spare time.

What are the system requirements for this incredible creation?

A Windows box costing at least $599, an internet connection that doesn't go down every time a truck drives by, and the lack of a sense of shame necessary to buy a game with a navel-flashing blonde elf lady on the box.