So I've been playing Black and White, the game where you can be a god with a giant cow for a pet. It's an intricate game, so detailed and internally consistent that I actually feel like a powerful immortal being, give or take spilling store-brand cola on my desk.
It's such an astonishing simulation of godhood, in fact, that I often wonder whether it hasn't accidentally reverse-engineered religion. Perhaps we're all just collections of polygons in an extradimensional time-waster. It makes sense to me -- I'm ready to convert as soon as I can figure out the Latin for "Please don't let your giant cow eat me." This theory also has the advantage of answering some of the big questions that have left philosophers stroking their beards since whenever immemorial:
Which is the One True God?
Whichever one dumps the most food and lumber in your home town. It's a lot like congress.
Why do bad things happen to good people?
Many reasons. God may be too busy playing with his giant cow to notice. Or God may have tossed, burnt, or electrocuted the good person in order to impress the good person's friends. Or maybe God is just a bored asshole.
Can God make a stone so big He can't lift it?
No. But He can break stones into two identical smaller stones, which you must admit is pretty impressive. He can also drop them on your head if you don't agree.
What does God expect of us?
God wants you to get your own damn lumber, farm your own damn food, and stop bugging Him for more damn offspring. He also wants you to chant when He tells you to so He can rain down fiery burning death on the next town over.
Did God create evil?
No, but He often indulges in it. See "asshole, bored."
Which is more important, faith or works?
God's giant cow is more important than either.
What happens when we die?
A spooky voice whispers "death."
What can I do to become saved?
Everyone is saved, thanks to the universe's convenient "auto-save" feature.
What is the purpose of life?
To help God win so He can get some damn sleep.