VOLUNTEERS WANTED
Clinical trial investigating effect of sleep deprivation on desperate unemployed losers. Compensation likely.

SMOKE POT * GET PAID
Use payment to buy more pot! Get paid for smoking that! Buy more! Get paid again! It's like, an eternal cycle or something! Whoa!

TATTOOS BY NORMAN
Self-taught tattoo artist works cheap. Girlfriends, bands, political endorsements a specialty.

TATTOO REMOVAL BY NORMAN
Safe -- Effective -- Relatively Painless

BARTENDING CLASSES!
SPEND BIG $$! LEARN TO MAKE DRINKS NOBODY ORDERS! GET LAUGHED AT BY HAIRY BAR OWNERS UPON GRADUATION! $1000/2 wk course

SPORTS CARS $1!
HOUSES 50 CENTS!
BOATS FOR CANDY!
You fucking idiot.

MAC EXPERT
I can install software, replace mouse, wipe down screen, clear printer jams (usually), pick lint off mousepad, change alert beep, rename files. In-home or office service.

Do You Have Herpes?
Revolutionary discovery allows you to enjoy a normal sex life with no embarrassment. Lie like a motherfucker! www.lielikeamotherfucker.com

Swing Dance Classes!
Enjoy the dance craze of the '40s, '90s! Free cigar humidor with every lesson.

MASSAGE FOR WOMEN
Relaxing, stimulating full body massage for women only. Careful attention paid to nerve centers. Experience full tactile bliss. C'mon, please?

WORK AT HOME
Make $2000 a month. Remember last year, when you scoffed at that pay rate? Looks pretty good now, doesn't it, Mr. Programmer? Beg! Beg for employment!

EAT LIKE A PIG. GAIN WEIGHT.
We tell you how.

MEET CREEPS IN YOUR AREA
Unappealing introverts want to meet you in a painfully artifical atmosphere of forced interaction. Fun!

Actors Wanted
Professional acting scout seeks talented amateurs for submission to agency which recommends actors to managers who suggest names to freelance representatives who provide potential clients for ACTUAL HOLLYWOOD AGENCIES! Resonable up-front, monthly fees.

BANKRUPT? NEED HELP?
Maybe you wouldn't BE in this situation if you didn't take ads on the back page of free weeklies seriously, you gullible twit.

www.mystupidzine.com

Artistic Models Wanted
Serious artist seeks models for tasteful nude photography. I will supply body oil, motorcycle, nun's habit, speculum, pony.

MEET OTHER CHRISTIANS FOR SEX
Meet like-minded Christians for hot, grunting group sex in a reverent and well-lubricated setting. Towels, hymn books, videos, knee pads provided.

DONATE YOUR CAR
Give to a good cause, AND collect insurance money! Leave unlocked at corner of Mission and 14th this Friday. Thank you!

Discount Cigarettes by Mail
Cheap by the carton or case, you pathetic addict.

BE A NINJA!

Non-Sexual Certified Therauptic Massage
Trained masseusse offers legitimate therapy. Seriously. I spent two years in school for this, I will not touch your dick, dammit!

BACK PAGE ADS GET RESULTS
Advertising on the back page is so effective that we never never never never never never never never never never never never have to pad space!