Stop the presses.
Hold the phones.
Somebody hit me in the head with a large anvil.
I liked a chick film.
While normally, this is a sign that it's time to undergo my testosterone therapy, this time, it may just mean that it's a pretty darned good movie. (But I can't be sure it's a good chick film, as I have no frame of reference.)
The movie which has caused such consternation is Eve's Bayou. It's a story by first time director Kasi Lemmons and to call the movie brilliant is possibly a safe bet.
Folks, I don't think you understand what this means. I liked a total chick film! It's a drama. It's got characters and plot lines and symbolism and stuff like that. Nobody gets naked. There's no big car explosions or cute animals from outer space. I entered the screening in pain, figuring that I had two hours of estrogen-powered drivel to sit through. But no. This is some good stuff! Really! Good stuff!
Samuel L. Jackson stars as this guy. He's the father of this family, he's a doctor and he's got some secrets. Lynn Whitfield is remarkable as his wife. She's got secrets too. Then there are the two daughters and the son, they've got secrets and they're only 9 or 10. The aunt has some secrets, and so does the weird voodoo lady played by Diahann Carol. Basically, there are a lot of secrets going around, and eventually, they all come out, little by little.
Got a secret? Want to keep it? Don't go to the Bayou.
After seeing this movie, I had to take another look at myself. "Self," I said, using my first name, "You liked a drama. A movie with no wise-cracking cops or semi-naked strippers. Can you still objectively review flicks?"
Of course the answer was yes, but the fact that I even stopped to ask shows you what a profound effect this film has already had on my entire life.
You should see it soon, so it can have a similar effect on you.
I give Eve's Bayou 1 1/2 Babylons.
No, no, I'm kidding.
Eve's Bayou is granted 4 1/5 Babylons. I figured we'd gotten away from using a 1/5th of a Babylon, so it was time to bring it back in.
We've turned 200!!!!
So that means we're finally legal, yes?
Sometime late last week, our 200th brethren joined our clan. This is a proud and moving moment for all. Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Cutting to the chase (I have three ex-Rams cheerleaders waiting for me in the car) Mr. John Outhwaite was the lucky rube who became our 200th member. So, we're flying Mr. Outhwaite and a guest out to Los Angeles to party with me and the female leads from Melrose Place and Beverly Hills 90210, each of whom we have engaged to give Mr. Outhwaite a really sensuous foot massage.
Oh wait...my editor is trying to say something....
Hmmm. Seems to me that I am not allowed to make gestures like that without first checking with our parent company, The Brunching Shuttlecocks, not to mention the aforementioned babes of the Spelling Shows. Bummer. Sorry John. Tell you what, send us your address, and we'll ship you a bottle of the finest....no? Well what the heck can we do?
John. And this is legit. If you'd like, you may choose any film ever released (provided that it is either in the theater now or is available at my local video store) and I will give you my personal take on the film. That's right, just for you. Anything.
May I suggest porn? Oh, nevermind. The Editor has the details. Go Rams! Or at least the cheerleaders!
Sorry about that folks. He gets a little giddy when he plays with pom-poms.
To Mr. John Outhwaite. You are indeed our 200th member. You do indeed win a prize. The value of that prize is rather minimal. Simply reply back to email@example.com and give us a list of, say, the top three movies you'd like Mr. Self-Made to review. We'll try to get the first one, but if we can't find it, we'll move on down to the second, and so on.
We will then send you this personalized review to your e-mailbox. Eventually. We may also then post it up on the web site, if it's any good. But we will not send it out over the mailing list. This is your prize.
Don't choose porn.
Directed by: Kasi Lemmons
Starring: Samel L. Jackson, Lynn Whitfield and YOU!