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Answering The Eternal Questions

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one's around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Yes it does. It cries out in fear and trepidation as it nears the ground. "Hey! I'm falling! Oh Lord Christ Almighty I'm gonna hit the ground! This is going to hurt! Won't someone save me! The pain! The pain!" At this point, the tree has usually hit the ground and is now writhing back and forth in agony, crying like a big sissy. Trees are wimps.

Why is there air?

There isn't. It's a myth. Scientists invented the concept of 'air' to calm the masses. No telling what would happen if it became known that there's absolutely nothing between you and the stars. Utter chaos.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

This question has mutated over time into its current ridiculous format, but it has its roots in a real question. The original question was "How much wood would Chuck Woolery chuck if Chuck Woolery could chuck wood?" As we all know, Love Connection host Chuck Woolery began life as a lumberjack in British Columbia, and was lured away from his first love but the promise of Hollywood stardom. But he still longed to go back to his trees and to return to his life of chucking wood, and according to sources, on a good day, Chuck could chuck over 4 pallets of wood. Not bad, eh?

What caused The Big Bang?


Which religion is the true religion?

This is a misleading question, as it assumes one religion actually got everything right. The truth is that you need to take a few of the Jewish traditions, combine them with some of the more rigorous Muslim edicts, stir it up with the sermons of Jesus (only the first few, before he got all big on himself), mix in the lessons of ancient Egypt and top it off with a healthy dose of the teachings of Buddhism. Sprinkle with the wisdom of Confucius and cook in the ovens of Hinduism for about twenty minutes to get your perfectly prepared salvation.

Is there intelligent life in the Universe?

That really depends on your definition of intelligence. The beings of Deneb VI have evolved intellectually with the capacity to understand particle physics, and yet they have failed to invent shelter, and so spend all of their time trying to avoid the rain. Therefore no true civilization has evolved on Deneb VI, and their knowledge of particle physics is used primarily to amuse their young or impress a date.

Also, the beings of Solaris III have created a society much like our own in many ways, and yet have voted Republican in every election for over four hundred years, which puts any claims of actual intelligence in doubt.

What is the meaning of life?

We can't tell you, but it has an awful lot to do with waffle irons.

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