End of Breakfasts
Leave it to Cheerios to use the Y2K hype to spice up their bland tan
"O's." In their new brown sugar coated "Millenios," General Mills has
added an extra oat "2" so that you can celebrate a new epoch by making
the number 2,000 on your spoon. Additionally, each of the limited
edition cereal box includes a "time capsule activity set," which is a
lot less cool than it sounds.
But before you go rushing out to buy, we'd like to give you and
advance look how other breakfast foods are preparing for the turn of
the annual odometer.
Real Millennium Raisin Bran
Tired of other cereals perpetuating the wrong date for the millennium?
Try "Real Millennium Raisin Bran", offering 2,001 scoops of raisins,
instead of the incorrect 2,000. Sure, this doesn't leave much room in
the box for bran, but accuracy is worth it.
Celebrate this year's other statistical milestone with Embri-eggos,
the official frozen waffle of the 6 billionth human being. Seven
vitamins and minerals will help energize your day, but only seven
vitamins and minerals, as that's all there are left. With yummy
Embri-eggos in your tummy, you'll be saying: "Leggo my natural
Coup in Pakistan! Tensions with China mount! The former Soviet
republics in disarray! Could the millennial nuclear doom foretold by
Nostradamus be near? If so, you'll need Half-Life, the only breakfast
cereal featuring the anti-nausea medication Zofram! Now Mikey will like
it despite his crippling radiation sickness!
New World Oreo-Os
Even militias need a balanced breakfast before battling the shadow
governments that secretly rule the Earth -- and what's better than the
chocolatey, creamy crunch of Oreo-Os! And each box is made out of
Orgone-ray repelling aluminum foil to help repel CIA mind control
Like the souls of the pure these delicious fruit pastries rise from
the eternal fires of your toaster into the loving grace of your
breakfast table. Now in lo-fat!
Honey Bunches of Groats
Celebrate the Millennium with the poor-tasting roasted grain cereal
actually eaten by people back in the year 0! Hulled, crushed kernels
of oats, buckwheat and barley -- accented with prohibitively expensive
drops of honey -- started the day for the dozens of ancient people who
could afford it. After 2000 years of economic progress, now you can
too, provided you can get your money from the ATM.