The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

End of Breakfasts

Leave it to Cheerios to use the Y2K hype to spice up their bland tan "O's." In their new brown sugar coated "Millenios," General Mills has added an extra oat "2" so that you can celebrate a new epoch by making the number 2,000 on your spoon. Additionally, each of the limited edition cereal box includes a "time capsule activity set," which is a lot less cool than it sounds.

But before you go rushing out to buy, we'd like to give you and advance look how other breakfast foods are preparing for the turn of the annual odometer.

Real Millennium Raisin Bran

Tired of other cereals perpetuating the wrong date for the millennium? Try "Real Millennium Raisin Bran", offering 2,001 scoops of raisins, instead of the incorrect 2,000. Sure, this doesn't leave much room in the box for bran, but accuracy is worth it.


Celebrate this year's other statistical milestone with Embri-eggos, the official frozen waffle of the 6 billionth human being. Seven vitamins and minerals will help energize your day, but only seven vitamins and minerals, as that's all there are left. With yummy Embri-eggos in your tummy, you'll be saying: "Leggo my natural resources!"


Coup in Pakistan! Tensions with China mount! The former Soviet republics in disarray! Could the millennial nuclear doom foretold by Nostradamus be near? If so, you'll need Half-Life, the only breakfast cereal featuring the anti-nausea medication Zofram! Now Mikey will like it despite his crippling radiation sickness!

New World Oreo-Os

Even militias need a balanced breakfast before battling the shadow governments that secretly rule the Earth -- and what's better than the chocolatey, creamy crunch of Oreo-Os! And each box is made out of Orgone-ray repelling aluminum foil to help repel CIA mind control waves.

Rapture Tarts

Like the souls of the pure these delicious fruit pastries rise from the eternal fires of your toaster into the loving grace of your breakfast table. Now in lo-fat!

Honey Bunches of Groats

Celebrate the Millennium with the poor-tasting roasted grain cereal actually eaten by people back in the year 0! Hulled, crushed kernels of oats, buckwheat and barley -- accented with prohibitively expensive drops of honey -- started the day for the dozens of ancient people who could afford it. After 2000 years of economic progress, now you can too, provided you can get your money from the ATM.

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