The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Detractors of Elián

There are those who believe no good can come of the Elián González controversy, but one must admit that it certainly has made that old "Name a 6-year-old Cuban Refugee" game a lot easier. What's odd is that folks on both sides of the issue refer to themselves as "Supporters of Elián," which leads one to wonder: Where are the Detractors of Elián? Search no further, friends; you have come to the right place.

Christopher Markwell (age 8) of Buffalo, New York, doesn't think it's fair that Elián gets so much attention when he is two full years older than Elián and knows how to ride a bike and whistle with two fingers stuck in his mouth. He also doesn't think it's fair that his sister, Kelly, gets to stay up later than him or that God hates him for looking at underwear ads.

Eula May Parker (age 57) of Little Rock, Arkansas, doesn't feel comfortable discussing the subject because she's not sure of the pronunciation. "Is it 'ay-lee-un' or 'ee-lay-on'?" she wonders. She feels that, if people would just stay in their own countries, she wouldn't be having this problem.

Trevor Williams (age 43) of Seattle, Washington, is an accountant and former failed child star. "That little whore just gives it away," he says to the 36-year-old divorced mother of two for whom he has been buying drinks for the past hour. "He'll never make it in this business." Later he will contemplate his come-back before passing out on the men's room floor.

Christina Barton (age 15) of Cleveland, Ohio, resents Elián for his slender figure. "Oooh, I hate him," she says. "I bet he can eat anything he wants and never gain a pound."

Marvin Thompson (age 82) of South Bend, Indiana, is a retired steel-worker who "can't hear a goddamned thing." He's sick of seeing "that snot-nosed little punk" on television and promises to "take a belt to the little bastard if he ever cuts across my lawn!"

Back to The Shuttlecocks Homepage