Detractors of Elián
There are those who believe no good can come of the Elián González
controversy, but one must admit that it certainly has made that old
"Name a 6-year-old Cuban Refugee" game a lot easier. What's odd is that
folks on both sides of the issue refer to themselves as "Supporters of
Elián," which leads one to wonder: Where are the Detractors of Elián?
Search no further, friends; you have come to the right place.
Christopher Markwell (age 8) of Buffalo, New York, doesn't think it's fair
that Elián gets so much attention when he is two full years older than
Elián and knows how to ride a bike and whistle with two fingers stuck in
his mouth. He also doesn't think it's fair that his sister, Kelly, gets
to stay up later than him or that God hates him for looking at underwear
Eula May Parker (age 57) of Little Rock, Arkansas, doesn't feel
comfortable discussing the subject because she's not sure of the
pronunciation. "Is it 'ay-lee-un' or 'ee-lay-on'?" she wonders. She
feels that, if people would just stay in their own countries, she wouldn't
be having this problem.
Trevor Williams (age 43) of Seattle, Washington, is an accountant and
former failed child star. "That little whore just gives it away," he says
to the 36-year-old divorced mother of two for whom he has been buying
drinks for the past hour. "He'll never make it in this business." Later
he will contemplate his come-back before passing out on the men's room
Christina Barton (age 15) of Cleveland, Ohio, resents Elián for his
slender figure. "Oooh, I hate him," she says. "I bet he can eat anything
he wants and never gain a pound."
Marvin Thompson (age 82) of South Bend, Indiana, is a retired steel-worker
who "can't hear a goddamned thing." He's sick of seeing "that snot-nosed
little punk" on television and promises to "take a belt to the little
bastard if he ever cuts across my lawn!"