The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Kinda sung to the tune of "99 Bottle of Beer on the Wall":

7 Inept Shark Scientists in a sinking lab
7 Inept Shark Scientists
Chew one up, swallow it whole
6 Inept Shark Scientists in a sinking lab


That's pretty much the premise of Deep Blue Sea.

The thing is, it's really a lot fun to watch the Inept Shark Scientists get eaten. One by one. Pretty darned cool, actually.

There's an actual story behind this film, not that anyone cares. Scientists are trying to cure Alzheimer's Disease by harvesting something found only in the brains of sharks. To get more of this stuff, they genetically enlarge the sharks' brains. For some reason, it never occurs to them that doing this will make the sharks smarter, faster, bigger, meaner, funnier, better dancers, you get the picture. Soon, the sharks decide to sink the floating lab and take turns calling "Dibs!" on the hapless fools trapped inside.

There really is a lot to like about this film. The effects (the sharks) are amazing. They look very, very real. When they eat someone, that person looks very, very dead.

I'm not saying that this is a masterpiece of filmmaking. This ain't no Howard's End. You know exactly what's going to happen at almost all times. However, it's done so well, that you don't care. You're rooting for the people to escape, you're rooting for the sharks to feed, you're rooting for the parrot to make it out alive. Basically, this is about action, and it delivers action at a very frantic, "Oh My God Look At That Shark Chomp On That Guy!" pace.

Sharks make really great villains. For one thing, they have no conscience. They don't care. You don't get a bunch of scenes of the Sharks crying about how they were never loved as a little sharklet. You also don't have to sit through the big final confession where the shark explains why he was eating everybody. "I was just hungry, damn it! Is that so wrong?"

And they got those fins. Sure, sure, Jaws made the best use of the shark's fin over 20 years ago. This movie doesn't think it's better than Jaws, don't worry. But it's certainly better than Jaws 4: The Revenge. And when the movie is all silent, and the protagonist is breast-deep in water, and that solitary fin silently slides around the corner and approaches from behind, that's just darned creepy.

Who's in this movie? Lots of people who basically play the role of raw meat. There's blonde raw meat, nerdy raw meat, naked raw meat etc. The anti-hero (they're all bad people, so you can't really have a hero. Except maybe the sharks) is played by some guy named Thomas Jane. He's a hunk. There's also a brunette named Saffron Burrows. She's a lead (which basically means she isn't one of the first to get eaten.) There are a couple of names who pop up, most notably Samuel L. Jackson and LL Cool J. But that's about it.

Who cares, the stars of this movie don't have hands and feet. Actually most of the people in this film eventually don't have hands or feet, but the real stars start out like that. It's all about the sharks.

I have to give props to shameless director Renny Harlin. He made a movie and it didn't star Geena Davis. Thank God. Also, he managed to get one of his hotties to pretty much strip naked while fighting a shark. Excellent!

I'm gonna give Deep Blue Sea 3 1/2 Babylons. It's simply pure fun, plain and simple. Nothing more, nothing less.

6 Inept Shark Scientists in a sinking lab
6 Inept Shark Scientists
Chew one up, swallow it whole
5 Inept Shark Scientists in a sinking lab...

Editor's Note:

Watching this film made me wonder what The Critic would look like without an arm...a leg...a head.


Where's a man-eating shark when you need one?

Deep Blue Sea
Rated: R
Directed By: Renny Harlin
Starring: The Hip of Thomas Jane, The Left Arm of Saffron Burrows, Samuel L. Jackson's Neck, The Right Thigh of LL Cool J, Michael Rapaport's Spleen, The Left Lung of Stellan Skarsgard and other forms of fish food.

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