The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features


Now they're just getting sloppy.

I enjoy a bad movie as much as anyone. I'll happily sit through an abomination such as Dungeons & Dragons or Supernova and revel in the excruciatingly painful level of suck while the poor folk I pay to be my friends squirm in their seats in utter agony.

What makes these private Hells tolerable is the knowledge that everyone knows the movie is bad. Dungeons & Dragons stunk to high heaven and everyone from Alaskan hermits who hadn't stepped foot outside their igloo in decades to the potted fern in the lobby of the local Hilton knew it, and stayed away in droves. D & D made all of $50 and its creators are now serving you decaf lattes in a Starbucks near you. (Or at least, they should be.)

But when an equally bad film approaches the $100 million mark, it's time to head for the hills. The sad, sad, sad success of the truly horrible film, Daredevil puts us one more step on the path to the end of civilization as we know it. Money talks. A bad movie making $100 million means studios will be inclined to make more bad movies. When those bad movies fail to make $100 million, they'll blame the marketing and make more bad movies. This hellish cycle will continue until the end of time, and we may well have Ben Affleck to blame for the downfall of human existence.

Why is Daredevil so very, very bad? Have a seat, this could take a while.

It's a comic book film, so you have to give it some leeway. But one thing every film, everywhere, must do is stick to its own rules. In Daredevil, our hero is blind, therefore all of his other senses are extraordinarily heightened. He can hear everything in the world at any moment, he can smell colors, his sense of touch manifests itself in his amazing balance, agility and strength, and of course, his heightened sense of taste allows him to.. I dunno, enjoy a Happy Meal like no one's business.

His weakness? (All superheros have a special weakness, it's part of the deal, along with the tights and the snazzy catch-phrase.) Really loud noises. Since he can hear so very, very well, loud bursts of noise cause him great discomfort. This is repeated time and again during the film. So then, would someone care to explain why, during the requisite montage of "Look How Cool I Am Getting Up in the Morning," he walks by his stereo and turns the volume dial up way past eleven? Is there some rule that loud noise doesn't effect him when it's serious heavy metal?

That's what I'm talking about. Follow your own rules.

Also, I hate any movie that creates drama by not having the hero defend himself against incorrect accusations.

"You killed my father!"

"You're in a bad mood, so I'm going to run away like a coward and look guilty."

And now we have conflict, because the two characters who really like each other are kept apart by this mistaken assumption. When what the guy should have said was:

"You killed my father!:

"No, I didn't. That guy did. Over there. The bad guy."

"Oh. I didn't see him. OK. My bad. Let's go get him."


If Daredevil were only sloppy in these story-related areas, I could begin to forgive and forget. But dudes! When Colin Farrell reaches down to his left in the wide shot and then you cut to the close-up and he's reaching down to his right, I have to draw a line.

It's called editing! And I should never, ever notice it in a film. I've seen home movies of newborn babies with fewer continuity mistakes than this thing. Stop being sloppy! Take a damn film class next time you're given the keys to a multi-million dollar blockbuster. Have some pride in your work. Please! We beg of you!

I'm not even going to bother to go into detail of the story of Daredevil. Blind guy fights freaks. End of story. Ben Affleck is wholly useless as Daredevil. Jennifer Garner is slightly less useless, though very, very pretty as Elektra. Michael Clarke Duncan is a mistake as whatever the hell he was and Colin Farrell is surprisingly ugly as Bullseye. As one of the women I paid to be my friend said "They made both Ben Affleck and Colin Farrell ugly. That's hard to do."

In case you haven't guessed by now, don't go see this movie. Don't even rent it. Don't even watch it for free on cable next year. Instead, pick up your shovel and torch and storm the Fox lot asking for a refund, or the director's head on a stick.

Daredevil gets 1/3 of a Babylon. Why not 0? Because I watched the whole thing, and Jennifer Garner is pretty. You don't have to be blind to figure that one out.

Editor's Note:

To the Studios- Please make more bad movies. It makes better SMC reviews. Thank you.

Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Mark Steven Johnson
Starring: Ben Affleck, Jennifer Garner, Colin Farrell, Michael Clarke Duncan, Jon Favreau, Joe Pantoliano and, according to IMDB, Coolio, in scenes which were deleted. You wonder just how bad Coolio's scenes had to be to get deleted from a movie as bad as this. What, did they cut out a dance number or something?

Join the Self-Made Critic Mailing List Back to The Shuttlecocks Homepage