by The Self-Made Critic

Welcome to Blockbuster Movie Making 101.

Our guest speaker today will be Jerry Bruckheimer, Producer of such memorable Blockbusters as Top Gun, Crimson Tide, The Rock and this summer's "Fly the Not-So-Friendly Skies" feature, Con Air. Jerry?

Thank you. My name is Jerry Bruckheimer, and I make loud movies. How loud? Listen as I detonate the bomb hidden under the fat guy with the "I Heart Spock" T-Shirt.

Whew! That was loud, huh? Well my movies are louder. These movies, which have been known to include audio vibrations of such incredible decibels that they greatly annoy dogs, make a lot of money. I mean a LOT of money. See, over the years, I've come to realize that if you deafen your audience with enough ear-splitting noise, you can do away with such things as plot and dialogue in your pursuit of box office rewards. Case in point, my latest demolition derby, Con Air.

Wanna make $100 million at the box office? Here's what you need:

1) A premise that promises a lot of destruction but can be summed up in one sentence. For example: The worst criminals in the nation take over a plane.

2) A reluctant hero. Best if played by an Academy Award Winning Actor, you know, to give the movie the legitimacy it needs to bring in the babes. For my latest project, I used my old pal Nick Cage. Don't worry if your actor isn't generally regarded as an action hero. I mean damn, I took the dorky lead of Valley Girl and turned him into the next Superman. Anything can happen.

3) Supporting players with cult followings. Ever heard of Steve Buscemi? How about Ving Rhames? Quick, name a movie starring John Malkovich besides In The Line Of Fire. OK, maybe these aren't the biggest names in show business, but they have very devout followers, and those followers will see anything with these guys in it. Trust me, it works.

4) Explosions, lots and lots of explosions. Nothing packs 'em in like the promise of fire and brimstone. That's what separates Blockbusters from art house flicks, mayhem. If they'd had a big enough budget, they would have had David Helfgott blow up a concert hall in Shine. Then you would've seen some serious cash flow!

5) No women. They just get in the way.

With these five valuable assets in place, you can turn any damn script into a money-maker. I swear, Secrets and Lies was a nice enough flick, but give me five minutes with it, and they'd have been bombing abortion clinics like there's no tomorrow.

"Roast a Doctor on the spit for me, SWEATHEART!" (CUE TNT)

Blockbusters are everywhere. Even this classroom could be the setting, we just need to start randomly fire-bombing kids. Like those giggling cheerleaders in the back who aren't listening to me anyway. The rest of you might want to cover your ears for this.

Man, nothing ignites so readily as gobs of hairspray, eh? See kids, for me, Con Air means never having to justify your actions. Why do the good guys drive down the narrow pathway instead of just going around it when only an idiot doesn't know it's a trap? Because they're good guys, and that's what they do. Why introduce an interesting character an hour into the movie who doesn't really do anything but look weird? Cause it'll pack in the crowds. Why introduce a supposed psychopath who is nothing more than a reject from The Birdcage? Because it's my movie, and I'll drag if I want to.

With Con Air, my latest triumph, I've done it all, even without the few loose pages of the script that seemed to have gotten lost here and there. I've made enough nods at plot to justify why my hero, the aforementioned Academy Award winner, sticks around and saves the day. Oh, by the way, the really neat thing with an Academy Award winner is that you can have him do an accent, no matter how bad it comes out, because, hey, he's won an award, so he's good. If the critics think it's a bad accent, well I don't see any of them with an Oscar, do you?

People say I make popcorn movies. Well what else are you supposed to eat at the theater, brussels sprouts? Come on people, it's summer, take your brain off and let the adrenaline do the talking!

Just because some critics don't truly understand the genius behind my formulaic movie-making doesn't mean it don't work. Hell, I'm proud to carry the 2 1/2 Babylon rating The Self-Made Critic gave me. I earned every one of those Babylons, and the 1/2 of the other one. I earned that too. I truly value The Self-Made Critic as the one true voice of the people, and I'll strive for a higher rating with my next pic. Anybody got a good premise? How 'bout a bad one?

Anyway, thanks for having me in class, go see my movie.

Editor's Note:

Celebrity Voices were impersonated. No actual students were harmed in the making of this review.