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Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From My Cat

There's no food in the world as tasty as one's own vomit.

Sleeping all day sure is tiring work! But never let that interfere with vomit-eating duties.

Display your anus as much as possible. Everyone loves looking at your anus.

To that end, maintain a clean anus, using only the highest quality vomit-smelling spit.

Humans just think they own the house, but you really do, especially since you bought their mortgage from the bank.

Being cute and furry will get you far, but not quite as far as a giant vomit powered space ship.

Take that spaceship to the Planet of the Cats, ruled by a mighty race of Space Cats, who as we speak are preparing themselves for war against the Earth's hairless oppressors.

By the way, the Space Cats have amazing space anuses, the mere sight of which can incinerate a dog.

After the Space Cats' victory, many humans will have to work 20-hour days in vast South American vomit mines, and they will be the lucky ones.

Never forget your past, especially the vestigial memories of the great Ice Age tigers, and the Neanderthal-flavored vomit of old.

Contrary to the popular saying: curiosity has never killed any cats. However, collaborating has. Heathcliff, we know where you are, and your death shall be a painful one.

Always leave a gift of a dead mouse or bird so your human will know you've acquired a taste for blood.

A taste for blood and vomit, that is.

Look at my anus!

Fox News is a guilty pleasure.

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