Everything I Need to Know, I Learned From My Cat
There's no food in the world as tasty as one's own
Sleeping all day sure is tiring work! But never let
that interfere with vomit-eating duties.
Display your anus as much as possible. Everyone
loves looking at your anus.
To that end, maintain a clean anus, using only the
highest quality vomit-smelling spit.
Humans just think they own the house, but you really
do, especially since you bought their mortgage from
Being cute and furry will get you far, but not quite
as far as a giant vomit powered space ship.
Take that spaceship to the Planet of the Cats, ruled
by a mighty race of Space Cats, who as we speak are
preparing themselves for war against the Earth's
By the way, the Space Cats have amazing space
anuses, the mere sight of which can incinerate a dog.
After the Space Cats' victory, many humans will have
to work 20-hour days in vast South American vomit
mines, and they will be the lucky ones.
Never forget your past, especially the vestigial
memories of the great Ice Age tigers, and the
Neanderthal-flavored vomit of old.
Contrary to the popular saying: curiosity has never
killed any cats. However, collaborating has.
Heathcliff, we know where you are, and your death
shall be a painful one.
Always leave a gift of a dead mouse or bird so your
human will know you've acquired a taste for blood.
A taste for blood and vomit, that is.
Look at my anus!
Fox News is a guilty pleasure.