Scene: The OVAL OFFICE, early 1997. Present
are the PRESIDENT, ex-Secretary of State JAMES BRADY, and
MONICA LEWINSKY, who is taking notes. The PRESIDENT is
finishing off a sandwich from an unnamed fast-food chain consisting of
two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions
on a sesame seed bun.
PRESIDENT: Jim, I want to thank you for taking the time to give me your
thoughts on Iraq. I...
(A piece of hamburger goes down the wrong way
and the PRESIDENT starts choking)
(MONICA LEWINSKY rushes
around the desk and, putting her arms around him, performs the Heimlich
maneuver. The PRESIDENT coughs out the offending mass)
BRADY: Oh my god! She saved your life!
PRESIDENT: Well, yes, I guess so. Thank you, Monica.
BRADY: No! Don't you know what that means? If someone saves
your life, you have to be her slave!
PRESIDENT: Ha! I'm the President of the United States. I don't
have to answer to anyone... well, almost anyone.
MONICA: No, he's right. You have to be my slave, you Big Mack
BRADY: She can make you clean her room, or get her potato chips while
she's watching TV, or anything!
PRESIDENT: Hmp. Give me a second. I'm going to check this
out a certain advisor of mine - the smartest woman I know.
(Picks up the phone)
Hello? Get me Marilyn Quayle.
Hello, Marilyn? If someone saves your life, do you...really?
Damn... Geez... Well, no, I guess I can't think of any other reason
that you might have married him. Okay, thanks.
I guess you're right, guys. Well, Monica? Do you want me to
do your chores? Or maybe run to the store and buy you a copy of the
latest Johnny Bravo album?
MONICA: I was thinking of... something else...
(A dangerous gleam
begins to form in her eye, as does a strand of drool in her mouth.)
BRADY: Ah, don't worry about me -- I'll wheel myself out.