The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Scene: The OVAL OFFICE, early 1997. Present are the PRESIDENT, ex-Secretary of State JAMES BRADY, and MONICA LEWINSKY, who is taking notes. The PRESIDENT is finishing off a sandwich from an unnamed fast-food chain consisting of two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, and onions on a sesame seed bun.

PRESIDENT: Jim, I want to thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts on Iraq. I...

(A piece of hamburger goes down the wrong way and the PRESIDENT starts choking)


(MONICA LEWINSKY rushes around the desk and, putting her arms around him, performs the Heimlich maneuver. The PRESIDENT coughs out the offending mass)

BRADY: Oh my god! She saved your life!

PRESIDENT: Well, yes, I guess so. Thank you, Monica.

BRADY: No! Don't you know what that means? If someone saves your life, you have to be her slave!

PRESIDENT: Ha! I'm the President of the United States. I don't have to answer to anyone... well, almost anyone.

MONICA: No, he's right. You have to be my slave, you Big Mack Daddy, you.

BRADY: She can make you clean her room, or get her potato chips while she's watching TV, or anything!

PRESIDENT: Hmp. Give me a second. I'm going to check this out a certain advisor of mine - the smartest woman I know.

(Picks up the phone)

Hello? Get me Marilyn Quayle.


Hello, Marilyn? If someone saves your life, do you...really? Damn... Geez... Well, no, I guess I can't think of any other reason that you might have married him. Okay, thanks.

(Hangs up)

I guess you're right, guys. Well, Monica? Do you want me to do your chores? Or maybe run to the store and buy you a copy of the latest Johnny Bravo album?

MONICA: I was thinking of... something else...

(A dangerous gleam begins to form in her eye, as does a strand of drool in her mouth.)

BRADY: Ah, don't worry about me -- I'll wheel myself out.

More by Craig Demel Back to The Shuttlecocks Homepage