The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

The Massachusetts Highway Commission has issued the following supplement, which contains statements of policy, clarification of law, and commonsense advice for drivers:

  • Fire hydrants must always be visible to arriving firetrucks. So when parking next to a hydrant, park on the sidewalk side.
  • Potholes will continue to be left unfilled because eventually the road will be entirely covered in potholes and thus perfectly flat.
  • You are still allowed to drive in the breakdown lanes of highways during rush hour. During this time, it is illegal for your car to break down. You alone are responsible for notifying your car(s) of this law.
  • You can go the wrong way on a one-way street if you do so in reverse gear. Also, the speed limit only applies in the direction indicated by the one-way signs.
  • In order to insure the privacy of your personal information, do not tell strangers when or in which direction you are turning (via signalling lights, hand signals, etc). The only people who need know your turning intentions are your priest and doctor.
  • To maintain harmony with the centuries-old aesthetics of Boston roads, new roads will be planned in the traditional way, by plotting the paths of meandering cows that have become drunk on fermented beets. Likewise, local features will continued to be referenced by their Gaelic names. So, "fens" (as in Fenway Park) shall denote a river bank; "kells" shall denote an inn; "yield sign" shall denote a stop sign.
  • In 1981, all roads in the city of Boston were declared a botanical conservation area and were left to be reclaimed by nature. It is recommended that only off-road vehicles attempt to navigate these roads.
  • You are reminded that the mass transit system is maintained only as a tourist attraction like the cable cars in Rice-a-Roni commercials and is not designed to move large numbers of people rapidly.
  • It is safe for all Massachusetts drivers to always ignore a stop sign encountered at a four-way stop, since the other three drivers will have stopped.
  • All vehicles shall pass automobiles on the left (except within the Boston city limits at rush hour, when wheelchairs are permitted to pass automobiles on the right).
  • It was at Boston's own Fanueil Hall that Samuel Adams first proclaimed the inalienable rights of "life, liberty, and convenient parking". So, if a parking lot is full, just park anywhere. Likewise, if you're sentenced to a state prison but it's full, go home. Similarly, if a traffic light remains red for an inconvenient amount of time, it is broken, and you should act as you normally do when civilization collapses.
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