OK, listen up. This review has made its way to you. You don't have to read
it: it's a free country. You could stop reading right now. You could do
that. But you'd be missing out on an incredible opportunity, and I think you
Right now you're asking yourself "What is this? How will it affect me? How
can it benefit me?" Well let me tell you, reading this review is probably
the most important thing you'll do all day. I'm not saying it'll change your
life, of course not, but do you want an honest opinion on a new movie? You
do. We all do. Heck, I do. This review may lead you to a hot date, or it
may, some where down the line, guide your decision at the video store. OK,
enough preamble, you want action. Let's go.
I'm talking about Boiler Room. A new movie that stars Giovanni Ribisi and
'features' Ben Affleck. I've got your attention now, right? You're heard
about the film? A bunch of high-pressure stock-broker wannabes pushing phony
stock over the phone.
Think that's it? Think you know everything? Think you can stop reading now?
You're mistaken my friend. Leave now and you miss the point, leave now and
you miss everything. Leave now and I haven't done my job. And that's what I
want to do here, I want to work for you. I want to do my job for you. My
job is to tell you about movies. That's my job. I'm here for you. This is
all about you. Will you like Boiler Room? Do you need to see Boiler Room?
Will Boiler Room change your life?
Got your attention, didn't I?
Boiler Room will most definitely teach you a very important lesson. Don't
buy stock over the phone. Now of course you wouldn't buy stock from an
unknown broker who comes to you over the phone. You're not an idiot. But
you know idiots. Yes, you do. And they might buy stock over the phone. You
should take them to this movie and save them. Yes, save them. You would
save their lives. They would be eternally grateful. I think you know where
to go from there.
What? You don't have an idiot friend? Need another reason to see this
movie? I can give it to you. I've got it for you. His name is Giovanni
Ribisi, and he's really, really good. The kid's a good actor. He was good
in Saving Private Ryan. He was good in that episode of The X-Files. He was
even good in the Mod Squad, and that was a horrible movie. This kid is gonna
be a force in Hollywood. You need to familiarize yourself with his early
work. Then you can say "I saw him way back whenâ" and look smart. You want
to look smart. We all want to look smart. Seeing this movie can make you
Is it a perfect movie? No, it's not a perfect movie, but then again, I
didn't say it was, did I? Sometimes the pumped-up soundtrack and pumped-up
camera work gets in the way of telling the story. So what? There's no such
thing as a perfect movie. You think Saving Private Ryan was a perfect movie?
Wrong. Shakespeare in Love? Wrong. Gone with the Wind? Wrong. No such
thing. Don't kid yourself. This is the real world, you're watching movies
with the big boys now.
OK, you've heard me. You've heard my message. But you're not satisfied.
You're never satisfied. Normally I'd end right there. But I respect you. I
know you, you're better than the others. You're smart. You want to know
about Ben Affleck. Fine. Simple truth, he's barely in the movie. He has
one, two, maybe three scenes. He comes in, gives long speeches, leaves.
Forget Ben Affleck. This isn't about Ben Affleck. This is about you. Are
you going to see this movie? Are you going to buy an extra-large popcorn at
this movie? These are the hard questions. These are the questions you must
answer for yourself.
Boiler Room is getting 3 1/2 Babylons. How does that affect you? Are you
going to go see a movie that got 3 1/2 Babylons? You need to make that call.
Not your lawyer, not your doctor, not your Mommy. You. Step up to the
plate and take a swing. See the movie. Don't see the movie. Doesn't
matter. You've read the review. That's the important thing. That's what
matters. You made the decision to read the review.
Good for you. Go get 'em.
Taking the SMC's cute angle here a step further, ask yourself this: If you
wouldn't buy stock over the phone a la Boiler Room, then why would you decide
whether or not to see this or any other movie based on the SMC's inane
opinion? Think about THAT.
Directed By: Ben Younger
Starring: Giovanni Ribisi, Vin Diesel, Nia Long, Ron Rifkin, Tom Everett
Scott, Jamie Kennedy, Ben Affleck and Greed.