The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Boiler Room

OK, listen up. This review has made its way to you. You don't have to read it: it's a free country. You could stop reading right now. You could do that. But you'd be missing out on an incredible opportunity, and I think you sense that.

Right now you're asking yourself "What is this? How will it affect me? How can it benefit me?" Well let me tell you, reading this review is probably the most important thing you'll do all day. I'm not saying it'll change your life, of course not, but do you want an honest opinion on a new movie? You do. We all do. Heck, I do. This review may lead you to a hot date, or it may, some where down the line, guide your decision at the video store. OK, enough preamble, you want action. Let's go.

I'm talking about Boiler Room. A new movie that stars Giovanni Ribisi and 'features' Ben Affleck. I've got your attention now, right? You're heard about the film? A bunch of high-pressure stock-broker wannabes pushing phony stock over the phone.

Think that's it? Think you know everything? Think you can stop reading now? You're mistaken my friend. Leave now and you miss the point, leave now and you miss everything. Leave now and I haven't done my job. And that's what I want to do here, I want to work for you. I want to do my job for you. My job is to tell you about movies. That's my job. I'm here for you. This is all about you. Will you like Boiler Room? Do you need to see Boiler Room? Will Boiler Room change your life?

It might.

Got your attention, didn't I?

Boiler Room will most definitely teach you a very important lesson. Don't buy stock over the phone. Now of course you wouldn't buy stock from an unknown broker who comes to you over the phone. You're not an idiot. But you know idiots. Yes, you do. And they might buy stock over the phone. You should take them to this movie and save them. Yes, save them. You would save their lives. They would be eternally grateful. I think you know where to go from there.

What? You don't have an idiot friend? Need another reason to see this movie? I can give it to you. I've got it for you. His name is Giovanni Ribisi, and he's really, really good. The kid's a good actor. He was good in Saving Private Ryan. He was good in that episode of The X-Files. He was even good in the Mod Squad, and that was a horrible movie. This kid is gonna be a force in Hollywood. You need to familiarize yourself with his early work. Then you can say "I saw him way back whenâ" and look smart. You want to look smart. We all want to look smart. Seeing this movie can make you look smart.

Is it a perfect movie? No, it's not a perfect movie, but then again, I didn't say it was, did I? Sometimes the pumped-up soundtrack and pumped-up camera work gets in the way of telling the story. So what? There's no such thing as a perfect movie. You think Saving Private Ryan was a perfect movie? Wrong. Shakespeare in Love? Wrong. Gone with the Wind? Wrong. No such thing. Don't kid yourself. This is the real world, you're watching movies with the big boys now.

OK, you've heard me. You've heard my message. But you're not satisfied. You're never satisfied. Normally I'd end right there. But I respect you. I know you, you're better than the others. You're smart. You want to know about Ben Affleck. Fine. Simple truth, he's barely in the movie. He has one, two, maybe three scenes. He comes in, gives long speeches, leaves. Forget Ben Affleck. This isn't about Ben Affleck. This is about you. Are you going to see this movie? Are you going to buy an extra-large popcorn at this movie? These are the hard questions. These are the questions you must answer for yourself.

Boiler Room is getting 3 1/2 Babylons. How does that affect you? Are you going to go see a movie that got 3 1/2 Babylons? You need to make that call. Not your lawyer, not your doctor, not your Mommy. You. Step up to the plate and take a swing. See the movie. Don't see the movie. Doesn't matter. You've read the review. That's the important thing. That's what matters. You made the decision to read the review.

Good for you. Go get 'em.

Editor's Note:

Taking the SMC's cute angle here a step further, ask yourself this: If you wouldn't buy stock over the phone a la Boiler Room, then why would you decide whether or not to see this or any other movie based on the SMC's inane opinion? Think about THAT.

Boiler Room
Rated: R
Directed By: Ben Younger
Starring: Giovanni Ribisi, Vin Diesel, Nia Long, Ron Rifkin, Tom Everett Scott, Jamie Kennedy, Ben Affleck and Greed.

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