The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Big Momma's House

He's fat AND he's a woman. That makes it funny!

Martin Lawrence is back in the sadly moronic excuse for a comedy, Big Momma's House. Here's the story:

Martin is a detective. He wants to catch a bad guy, so he stakes out the home of the bad guy's former lover's grandma. Then, when Granny inexplicably leaves town, Martin impersonates the grandma to convince bad guy's former lover that he's her granny. So he puts on the fat suit, and the jokes start flying. Which is a little ironic, given the fact that Martin Lawrence was recently hospitalized after collapsing while running in 100 degree heat while wearing saran wrap.

Robin Williams in a fat suit was funny, because you saw affection for his kids shine through. Eddie Murphy in a fat suit was funny because he gave the Klumps such life. Mike Myers in a fat suit was so hideous it made my next door neighbor run for Jenny Craig, which is ultimately good. Martin Lawrence in a fat suit is lame. Stupid. Crass. Did I mention lame?

Oh sure it looks great. The make-up effects are astounding. Martin loses himself in the 700-or-so pound Big Momma. But where Nutty Professor and Mrs. Doubtfire made you care about the characters, Big Momma's House makes fart jokes.

Now, there's nothing wrong with a fart joke every now and then. There's nothing wrong with a fat joke every now and then. But you should never really base a movie on the two. There's also nothing wrong with a crass, disgusting movie from time to time. Road Trip and American Pie were both very disgusting, and quite funny. Big Momma's House is just sad.

Bad Hollywood for making this formulaic movie! Bad! Hollywood should be taken out back and spanked for making this junk. Nothing makes any sense. The story is something out of a disjointed Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book.

"If you want Big Momma to go to church, turn to page 27, if you want Big Momma to play basketball, turn to page 81^"

The movie moves along as a series of skits. All of the skits are about Martin Lawrence being Big Momma. All of them are about how funny it is that he's fat and a woman. Most of them contain references to bodily fluids and the like, comedy which stopped being funny when you were 12.

Is the movie a total loss? Well, no I guess not. Nia Long is pretty darned cute as the bad guy's former lover who, naturally, Martin Lawrence falls for while he's pretending to be her 1200 pound grandmother. Martin has a partner (all formulaic cop pics have an unsung partner) played by Paul Giamatti who isn't half bad. But Martin, Martin, Martin^

The real tragedy is, the movie has made its money back. People went to see it. Possibly you. If you went to see this movie, shame on you! Hang your head in abject shame! You are making it possible for more of these mind-suckingingly bad movies to be made! Stop it!!!

Repeat after me:

I promise that the next time I am about to go spend money to see a really lame movie like Big Momma's House, I will slam my tongue in a doorway and then read a book.

If enough of us band together, we may be able to put a stop to it. If not for our sake, then for the children's sake!

Big Momma's House gets 1 1/8 Babylons. That's entirely for the brief pleasure of seeing Paul Giamatti do a bump and grind to Rick James.

Editor's Note:

The SMC is completely off the mark this week. I saw Big Momma's House last night and it's an amazing story, with compelling characters. I wonder if the SMC saw Big Daddy, or The Big Kahuna instead, and is very, very confused.

Big Momma's House
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Raja Gosnell
Starring: Pound for pound, more Martin Lawrence than anyone should ever have to be subjected.

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