by David Neilsen

I've been a bad person. This I know.

I've done things and said things that good people don't do and say. When I poured super glue on Mrs. Pepper's cat and stuck it to the bottom of Mom's muffler, that was naughty. When I ran naked through the park yelling "Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear" at all the little kids, that was bad. When I told the always excitable Mr. Henchcliff that his wife was having an affair with little Davey Protum, I knew a bloodbath would ensue, but I just thought it was funny. I'm not nice, and I know it.

But from now on, all that's gonna change.

So let me now publicly announce for all the world to see, just how I'm going to go about being a better person in the future.

1. I will not send live animals across the country though the mail.

2. I will no longer use passing bicyclists for target practice.

3. I will wear clothing at all times.

4. I will not find excuses to pit loving neighbors violently against each other.

5. I will let sleeping dogs lie.

6. I will not randomly set things on fire.

7. I will say "please" and "thank you" more often.

8. I will accept that decapitation is not a suitable way to end an argument.

9. I will not ridicule short people.

10. I will flush the toilet after every use.

11. I will no longer use the royal "We."

12. I will try to hide my obvious superiority from others.

13. I will tip.

It is my hope that these items listed here will help me grow to be a better person. And then maybe Sally Writworth will go with me to the dance. That would be cool.