The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Better Monuments

In November of 2001, the public will finally be allowed back inside the world famous Leaning Tower of Pisa. Work will finally be finished and the Tower reopened for all to enjoy.

But straighter.

Scientists discovered that the Leaning Tower of Pisa was leaning too much, and set about to correct its lean.

I say it's about time! We've lived with these outdated historical monuments for far too long as it is! We have the technology, we have the ability, it's time to go around the world and improve our monuments! Once the silly Pisa-leaning has been fixed, here are few more projects that we, as a species, should undertake:

Rushmore Remodeling

Times change, and people fall out of fashion. Jefferson and Roosevelt, while great presidents, just don't resonate with today's youth. By replacing them with the likenesses of Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon, we can make this proud America monument a proper reflection of the times that have shaped our world.

Great Pyramid of Giza Capstone and Casino

Long ago, the Great Pyramid of Giza was capped by a golden capstone which shined in all its glory for centuries. That capstone has long since been melted down into numerous ankh-shaped trinkets on sale in Cairo, but it's not too late to restore the glory of Egypt's lasting monument to excess. Get one of those Vegas designers to replace the capstone with a flashy neon sign and fill the entire pyramid with slot machines! Do it Vegas-style and hold an opening ceremony complete with Yanni, David Copperfield, and the world's sexiest topless dancers dressed as mummys.

Big Ben Facelift

Oh sure, the face of Big Ben is a great image of London. London from LAST CENTURY! The huge clock has been telling time for over a hundred and fifty years, and yet sadly, due to the decreasing intelligence of subsequent generations, our children are less and less likely to be able to use Big Ben for it's primary purpose, to tell time. It's time to hook old Ben up with Casio and replace the clock with a new digital read-out which can broadcast the current time in an eerie bright green glow for all of London to enjoy for decades to come!

Hollywood Shmollywood

Nothing screams LA like a large wooden sign promoting a neighboring city. But come on man, it needs to keep up with the changing face of Southern California's multi-racial citizenship, it needs to be in Spanish! Tear down those outdated wooden letters and put up 'Bendita Madera' (or ' Madera Bendita' if you want to be grammatically correct.) An idea whose time has come!

Seeing Red

Moscow's Red Square is very nice, very dignified, very flat and very 2-dimentional. Let's whip those Russkies up into the 21st century and turn their tired old square into a shiny, new, modern, 3-D extravaganza! The Red Cube! The top floor can be a boring old museum, or Lenin's tomb or something, and the lower floors can be filled with great shopping experiences like The Gap, Starbucks and McDonalds. It'll be a revolution in the evolution of the shopping mall!

The Great Mural

What's so great about The Great Wall anyway? It's a wall! Boring, dull, gray! What we need is to turn it into the world's largest mural! Get Wyland or someone to paint an aqua-masterpeice and then when those pesky Mongolians try to invade, they'll come to the wall and say "Oi! We can't invade China! They've got cute fishies!"

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