The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Adam West must be giggling through his nose.

When the first Batman movie came out, it was dark and moody and brooding and sinister and it made over $200 gagillion bucks. Adam West (TV's Batman) publicly denounced this movie for a)not involving him and b) being so dark and moody and brooding and sinister. It wasn't in the fun spirit of his show.

Which, of course, had been the whole point.

The second Batman introduced the idea of having two villains for the price of one, except one of them wasn't really a villain, just a sexy treat in latex for the boys to look at. (How did she make the entire outfit out of that little piece of fabric?)

The third movie gave us two bona fide evil people working together, and the production people experimented using color.

Then came this disaster.

Two more villains, with independent objectives, neon and disco lights everywhere, cartoon sound effects and campy one-liners. The only thing it needed to be a two-hour episode from the stupid TV show was Adam West and Burt Ward shagging extras on the set.

There are many things wrong with this movie. Not the least of which is that it made over $40 million on opening weekend against all of its negative press. Will America listen to no one? What's the point of having critics if you don't listen to our advice?

Makes me question my calling. But then I remember that I'm better than you and you all need my opinions to keep yourselves going, so I brave on.

Oh yeah, the movie.

In general, it comes down to one thing: script. Or lack thereof.

See, they introduce Mr. Freeze and give us HIS back story. They introduce Poison Ivy and introduce HER back story. They give us Bane complete with HIS back story. They introduce Batgirl and trudge us through HER back story. Then they bother with making Alfred really sick, and they dote on it forever. With all the exposition, it's a wonder they found any time for action.

OK, enough with the two villain thing. There was more than enough material to create an entire movie around either Freeze or Poison Ivy. Could have been cool. But they wasted it, sucks to be them. At the rate they're going through bad guys, we're getting close to "Batman Vs the Deranged Postal Worker and the Mean-Spirited Midget."

Alright, to put the controversy to rest, how is Clooney as Batman?


A problem, and I say this with fear in my heart, is the rather sad job turned in by Arnold. He didn't work for me. He wasn't menacing, he was annoying. And if he said one more "COLD" expression, I was going to get medieval all over the bratty kid three rows in front of me.

"Let's kick some ICE." "Don't give me the COLD shoulder." "That's a CHILLING thought."

STOP IT!!!!!!!!

Besides everything else, the movie just didn't make a lot of sense. It was dumb.

"Where's Freeze?"

"He's attacking Gotham with his big cold gun."

Big cold gun? Lord help us all.

Also, there was a really pathetic use of supermodels. Elle McPhearson is Bruce Wayne's love interest. For about a minute and a half. Vivica Fox has two or three lines to Freeze that make no difference one way or another. Vendella... just... sorta... floats there. Eyes closed, lips sealed. Darn it, a mannequin would have been just as good. Come on people, these are SUPERMODELS (Except for Vivica, who's just a hottie)! Make them wear bikinis or something! Show them off! What is your problem!

Uma as Poison Ivy is darn cute. She does a lovely Mae West impression and talk about gams! Chris is his usual whiney Robin. Man, he seems less like a superhero and more like a spoiled teenager with bad acne. Alicia is the slightly chubby Batgirl, but you know, I drooled all the same. She's got Bat nipples on her suit, and that's just fine. Basically, Alicia's a babe, and I will have her. Oh yes, I will have her. Oh, her performance was fine.

But for the next one, I can do without all the butt shots of anyone in latex. It's not important, get over it.

So when you really look at it, this movie was badly written, badly directed, tolerably acted by most in it, pretty to look at and badly designed in general.

But it's an epic compared to Speed 2.

So with that in mind, I give Batman and Robin 1 and 3/4 Babylons. This is the worst of the four Batman movies, by far, and things look bleak for the fifth installment, already in development with the same bad director at the helm. Ah well, word is James Cammeron is finally starting work on a Spider Man movie. That oughta be fun!

This wasn't.

Remember Last year? The Rock? Mission: Impossible? ID4? Heck, even Dragonheart and The Phantom were better than the garbage we're being subjected to this summer. Isn't there something we can do?

Well yes there is. Write your Congressman or Congresswoman and tell them that you demand a better quality of summer blockbusters! Go on! If enough people write in, who knows what could happen!

Editor's Note:

If you do write someone even remotely political, please don't mention The Self-Made Critic or anything associated with his company. I like my job. I'd like to keep it.

In fact, this might be a chance to gain some ground. So tell 'em Siskel or Ebert made you write 'em. Get those bozos in trouble.

Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Joel Schumacher
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, George Clooney, Chris O'Donnell, Alicia Silverstone and latex butts.

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