The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

My God This Movie Is Horrible!!!!!!

As a motion picture critic, I occasionally have to see the true dogs of the industry. The idea, is that I see these movies, and then tell you not to see them, sparing you the pain and anguish that I have gone through.

So hear me now. Never ever even think about seeing The Avengers.

Not since Godzilla has a movie been so totally wrong. At least that one had a big lizard. This one just has a big yawn of misery.

Here's what passes for a story. Ralph Fiennes is John Steed, secret agent. Uma Thurman is Emma Peel, chick who kicks ass. Sean Connery is Sir August de Wynter, bad guy. Uma is a scientist who helped build this weather shield over England. The shield is destroyed and she is brought in to help Steed investigate. They investigate. Meanwhile, Sean Connery, who made the shield go bad, has complete control of the weather and is gonna hold the world hostage. They'll have to buy their weather from him.

Are you on the edge of your seat with excitement yet?

I think the best thing I can do for you and yours, is to completely give everything away in the movie. This way, if my warning hasn't stopped you from trying to see it, perhaps my ruining the entire movie will keep you away.

OK. Here we go.

There are 2 Mrs. Peels. One's an evil clone. Don't ask me how they got a clone of Mrs. Peel, because I don't know.

Sean Connery is the bad guy. You knew this because of the previews. We know this because there is really no other suspect in the movie at all. However, Steed and Peel don't seem to get it and they visit him for tea early in the movie. Lord knows why.

Remember the bit the in preview where Connery, addressing a United Nations - type gathering, says "Now is the Winter of your discontent!" Well, that kinda opens up the plot, as you might expect. It's sorta what the movie is about. And that scene takes place about an hour and a half into the movie. What are they doing until then? Got me.

This is a movie of neat-o ideas tossed together.

Hey! Wouldn't it be neat if all of the villains met but they were all wearing big teddy bear suits to hide their identities?

Hey! Wouldn't it be neat if Mrs. Peel wandered around a castle and it suddenly became an Escher painting with rooms leading right back into themselves?

Hey! Wouldn't it be neat for the villain's lair to be on a hidden island in the middle of London!

Hey! Wouldn't it be neat if we got the original John Steed from the 60's TV show to be in the movie, but we made his character invisible so you can only hear him?

All this happens. None of it makes any sense or is connected in any way. My head hurt watching this drivel.

Now here are some "Why" questions.

Why do they call in Mrs. Peel into the headquarters of the Secret Good Guy Agency Thingy, tell her that she's the prime suspect in this bombing, and then let her go when she says "Well you know I didn't do it." Not only do they let her go, but they say "Oh, well then why don't you go find out who really did do it." Now that's what I call good police work.

Why do the three heroes (Steed and Peel pick up a really kick-ass Granny Goose lady) enter into the evil villain's labyrinth (an actual labyrinth, made of really big hedges) and say "Let's split up and meet in the center." I mean come on! Do you think something horrible happens to them once they split up? Would you split up? Or would you say "You know, I think I'll stick with the machine-gun toting Granny."

Why did they make this movie? Couldn't someone stop them? Bomb threat, court order, anything!

There are two people to blame for this hellish bonanza of badness. First and foremost, the director, Jeremiah S. Chechik. Bad director! Bad! Secondly, a big thumb up your bum goes out to the writer, Don MacPherson. Ew. You suck.

To be completely honest, the acting isn't bad. But it's hard to look good in a mish-mash of creative evil.

For God's sake! Don't see this movie!!! I'm giving it 1/2 Babylons. Simply because that's what I gave Godzilla, and I can't decide if this is better or worse than that horrid film. Save Yourself! Stay Away!

Editor's Note:

I just wanna say that while this was indeed a bad movie, at least we got to see Uma Thurman in a lot of tight-fitting clothes. But next time, we'll just steal the poster and skip the film.

The Avengers
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Jeremiah S. Chechik
Starring: Ralph Fiennes, Uma Thurman, Sean Connery, Teddy Bears of Death, Hurricane Lame-o and the Tea Industry.

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