Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
reviewed by The Self-Made Critic

First things first: George Lucas needs to realize that he just doesn't have it any more.

We all knew this when we saw "Episode One: The Phantom Jar Jar." We were told that he was just rusty; after all, he hadn't directed a film in, like, fifty years or something. So now he's created "Episode Two: Attack of the Bad Puns." He's no longer rusty, he's just not a very good writer or director.

Every Star Wars fan on Earth needs to write a letter to Mr. Lucas in a last ditch effort to save Episode Three. The letter will read as follows:

Dear Mr. Lucas,

We all really like Star Wars. It's a great story and we cherish it each and every day. We have all purchased lots of Star Wars merchandise, and have helped make you very rich.

Now it's payback time.

You see Mr Lucas, you suck as a writer. Really awful. And your directing...it's not very good either. So here's the deal. You write up an outline (no dialogue allowed) of Episode Three. You then hire a competent and hip writer, someone younger than, say, fifty. Said writer writes Episode Three, based on your notes. Then, you go and hire yourself a hot, fresh director--or Steven Spielberg, he'd do. You let them direct the movie while you sit back and collect lots of money. Everybody wins.

If you do that, we promise to go see it. And we will not burn you in effigy.

Does this seem preposterous? You've done it before.

Here are the credits for Star Wars Episode Five: The Empire Strikes Back

Directed By: Irvin Kershner
Story by: George Lucas
Written by: Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan

Many, many people think that Empire is the best of the original trilogy, and it's the only one that you didn't write or direct.

Get the picture?

So get it in gear. If not, well, we can always look forward to the upcoming Matrix sequels with equal glee.

Sincerely,
The People

Wouldn't that be nice? But since we live in the real world, Episode Three is bound to have many of the same problems that Episode Two has. Allow me to tell you about them.

Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones begins ten years after Episode One. Queen Portman is now Senator Portman. A bunch of people want to leave the Republic. The Republic is worried about a civil war with these separatists. Someone wants to kill Senator Portman. Yoda tells Jedi Darth Vader to protect Senator Portman. They fall in love. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan tries to get to the bottom of the assassination attempt and finds some clones. And then the separatists, who we see are really going to become the Rebellion in a couple of "episodes," want to start a war with the Republic, who we know is going to become the Empire. What you end up with is spending Episode Two rooting for the same people you're gonna be rooting against in Episode Four. Confused? Wait till Episode Three.

The beauty of the Star Wars movies was the pattern they always followed. Start out on Setting #1 (Tatooine, Hoth, Tatooine), visit Setting #2 (The Death Star, Dagobah, Dagobah) climax in Setting #3 (Yavin, Bespin, Endor).

Pretty linear, and easy to follow.

Episode Two starts in Coruscant. Goes to Naboo. Goes to Kamino. Goes to Tatooine. Goes to Geonosis. Back to Coruscant. Back to Geonosis. Back to Naboo. Back to Coruscant. You get dizzy.

Lucas can't write. His dialogue is bad, stilted and forced. He listened to his critics by pretty much writing Jar Jar out of the picture, but he must have felt the need to have some other character say the dumbest things, so he enlisted the help of the once beloved C-3PO. And C-3PO gives us some of the biggest groaners and bad puns this side of a Xanth novel.

Lucas can't direct. The movie is listless and oftentimes jumbled. The camera does nothing interesting, the story is simply placed in front of you as if it were a bad infomercial.

Lucas can't act. Well, much of his cast can't act. Hayden Christiansen, the lead, is horrible. Wooden. Lecherous. Much of that is really the fault of the script. Even great actors can't do anything with Dick and Jane go to Naboo. Ewan McGregor reminds us that he's really, really great by being watchable among all this dreck. Bully for him. Natalie Portman is finally legally hot (she turns 21 in June) and she's traded the "Look Ma! No Taste!" hairdos for a normal, Star Wars Babe look. Meaning she bares a midriff and gazes longingly once in a while.

However, not everything about this movie is bad. It looks very Star Wars, which is a cool look with wipes and stars and junk like that. And there is some action, including the long awaited "Yoda gets medieval on your ass" scene. Sadly, many action sequences appear to have been ripped right out of the video game currently being designed. Others should just be ripped out.

Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones uses the Force to wrangle up 3 Babylons. It wouldn't get that many, except for the remnants of the Star Wars magic that still find their way into the film from time to time.

Editor's Note:

As another example of the evilness of this movie, the release of Star Wars: AOTC caused the SMC to get his Star Wars toys from his garage and build a couple of dioramas in his office, thus wasting all of that money The Brunching Shuttlecocks spent on therapy two years ago.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Rated: PG
Directed By: George Lucas
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Christopher Lee, Samuel L. Jackson, Frank Oz, Ian McDiarmid, Jimmy Smits, Ahmed Best, Temuera Morrison and a whole bunch of computer programmers.