Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
First things first: George Lucas needs to realize that he just
doesn't have it any more.
We all knew this when we saw "Episode One: The Phantom Jar Jar."
We were told that he was just rusty; after all, he hadn't directed a film
in, like, fifty years or something. So now he's created "Episode Two:
Attack of the Bad Puns." He's no longer rusty, he's just not a very good
writer or director.
Every Star Wars fan on Earth needs to write a letter to Mr. Lucas
in a last ditch effort to save Episode Three. The letter will read
Dear Mr. Lucas,
We all really like Star Wars. It's a great story and we cherish it each and every day. We have all purchased lots of Star Wars merchandise, and have
helped make you very rich.
Now it's payback time.
You see Mr Lucas, you suck as a writer. Really awful. And your
directing...it's not very good either. So here's the deal. You write
up an outline (no dialogue allowed) of Episode Three. You then hire a
competent and hip writer, someone younger than, say, fifty. Said writer
writes Episode Three, based on your notes. Then, you go and hire
yourself a hot, fresh director--or Steven Spielberg, he'd do. You let
them direct the movie while you sit back and collect lots of money.
If you do that, we promise to go see it. And we will not burn you
Does this seem preposterous? You've done it before.
Here are the credits for Star Wars Episode Five: The Empire Strikes Back
Directed By: Irvin Kershner
Story by: George Lucas
Written by: Leigh Brackett and Lawrence Kasdan
Many, many people think that Empire is the best of the original trilogy, and it's the only one that you didn't write or direct.
Get the picture?
So get it in gear. If not, well, we can always look forward to the upcoming Matrix sequels with equal glee.
Wouldn't that be nice? But since we live in the real world, Episode
Three is bound to have many of the same problems that Episode Two
has. Allow me to tell you about them.
Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones begins ten
years after Episode One. Queen Portman is now Senator
Portman. A bunch of people want to leave the Republic. The Republic is
worried about a civil war with these separatists. Someone wants to kill
Senator Portman. Yoda tells Jedi Darth Vader to protect Senator Portman.
They fall in love. Meanwhile, Obi-Wan tries to get to the bottom of the
assassination attempt and finds some clones. And then the separatists,
who we see are really going to become the Rebellion in a couple of
"episodes," want to start a war with the Republic, who we know is going to
become the Empire. What you end up with is spending Episode Two rooting
for the same people you're gonna be rooting against in Episode Four.
Confused? Wait till Episode Three.
The beauty of the Star Wars movies was the pattern they always
followed. Start out on Setting #1 (Tatooine, Hoth, Tatooine), visit
Setting #2 (The Death Star, Dagobah, Dagobah) climax in Setting #3
(Yavin, Bespin, Endor).
Pretty linear, and easy to follow.
Episode Two starts in Coruscant. Goes to Naboo. Goes to Kamino.
Goes to Tatooine. Goes to Geonosis. Back to Coruscant. Back to
Geonosis. Back to Naboo. Back to Coruscant. You get dizzy.
Lucas can't write. His dialogue is bad, stilted and forced.
He listened to his critics by pretty much writing Jar Jar out of the
picture, but he must have felt the need to have some other character say
the dumbest things, so he enlisted the help of the once beloved C-3PO.
And C-3PO gives us some of the biggest groaners and bad puns this side
of a Xanth novel.
Lucas can't direct. The movie is listless and oftentimes jumbled.
The camera does nothing interesting, the story is simply placed in front
of you as if it were a bad infomercial.
Lucas can't act. Well, much of his cast can't act. Hayden
Christiansen, the lead, is horrible. Wooden. Lecherous. Much of
that is really the fault of the script. Even great actors can't do
anything with Dick and Jane go to Naboo. Ewan McGregor reminds us
that he's really, really great by being watchable among all this dreck.
Bully for him. Natalie Portman is finally legally hot (she turns 21 in
June) and she's traded the "Look Ma! No Taste!" hairdos for a normal,
Star Wars Babe look. Meaning she bares a midriff and gazes longingly
once in a while.
However, not everything about this movie is bad. It looks very Star
Wars, which is a cool look with wipes and stars and junk like that.
And there is some action, including the long awaited "Yoda gets
medieval on your ass" scene. Sadly, many action sequences appear to
have been ripped right out of the video game currently being designed.
Others should just be ripped out.
Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones uses the Force to wrangle
up 3 Babylons. It wouldn't get that many, except for the remnants of
the Star Wars magic that still find their way into the film from time
As another example of the evilness of this movie, the release of Star Wars: AOTC caused the SMC to get his Star Wars toys from his garage and build a
couple of dioramas in his office, thus wasting all of that money The Brunching Shuttlecocks spent on therapy two years ago.
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
Directed By: George Lucas
Starring: Ewan McGregor, Natalie Portman, Hayden Christensen, Christopher Lee, Samuel L. Jackson, Frank Oz, Ian McDiarmid, Jimmy Smits, Ahmed Best,
Temuera Morrison and a whole bunch of computer programmers.