The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

In space, no one can hear you scream.

But on a big spaceship, you can sure as heck make as much noise as you want.

So I went to see the big scare-fest-monster-movie known as Alien: Resurrection. It stars Sigourney Weaver and Winona Ryder. It is the fourth movie in the ill-named "Alien Trilogy." It's not bad.

Basically, a bunch of Aliens (big, ugly creatures that like to kill you) get loose on a spaceship and start to kill everyone.

This is not to be confused with the plots of the first three Alien movies:

Alien: One Alien gets loose on a spaceship and starts to kill everyone.

Aliens: A bunch of Aliens get loose on a colony and start to kill everyone.

Alien 3: One Alien gets loose on a colony and starts to kill everyone.

So you see that the fourth installment completes the cycle.

Anyway, there ya go.

The big problem with this movie is the end. And I'm not going to ruin it. Much.

The movie is kicking along for an hour and a half at breakneck speed. It's fun, it's cool, it's exciting, it's actually a really great movie. And then it takes a turn for the lame.

Imagine eating a really good ham sandwich. I mean a really good one, with nice, juicy ham and great bread and the perfect condiments and everything. So you're almost done with this sandwich, you've really enjoyed it, and you are savoring the last couple of bites, when suddenly, you bite onto a bunch of razor sharp thumbtacks. Not that they aren't good thumbtacks, mind you, it's just that you were sort of expecting to taste the ham, and instead your gums are bleeding.

That's kinda like Alien: Resurrection.

Until that point, though, it's a really neat flick. Those Aliens are some mean ol' dudes and dudettes. Personally, I don't want to meet them in a dark alley. Or a brightly lit one, for that matter, but they never seem to be found in brightly lit areas. In fact, why doesn't anyone in these movies just get a clue and turn on the lights? I mean really.

You know, come to think of it, that's kinda the problem with this movie, and it's a problem the other Alien movies have had to some extent or another. The people are stupid.

"Hmm. We're being hunted by blood-thirsty, dangerous creatures. I'd better separate myself from the pack and wander down a dark corridor - investigating a strange sound."

Here's what happens if the Self-Made Critic is in one of these movies.

"Hmm. The Aliens are coming to get us. I'm sticking with Sigourney, she always lives through these things."

Or better yet.

"Hmmm. The last four times we've bothered this Alien species, hundreds of people have gotten brutally butchered. I think this time we'll leave them alone and raise bunnies."

It'd still be a good movie, it'd just involve a lot of hopping and stuff. Look for Alien: Bunnies, coming soon to a theater near you.

Alien: Resurrection gets 3 1/6 Babylons, but a whopping 4 1/5 if you leave about an hour and a half into the movie. Trust me.

Editor's Note:

I just want to say that I saw this movie with Mr. Self-Made, and when he's scared, he screams like a little girl.

And about 150 fellow movie-goers can attest to that.

Alien: Resurrection
Rated: R
Directed by: Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Winona Ryder, Ron Perlman and bugs.

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