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I saw Air Force One. I loved it. Okay. Let me talk to you about the movie-going experience in general. First, as everyone knows, you do not, under any circumstances, talk during the movie. This "Silence is Golden" thing also extends to my personal favorite part of the event, the trailers. Don't you dare open your darned trap during a preview. Previews are gifts from God, and we are not to belittle them in any way. People don't always understand the glory of these little beasts. A trailer is a mini-film, all the good parts, none of the boring stuff. A trailer is almost always better than the movie itself. I can go to the theater, pay my 8 bucks, and catch 5 movies at once, because I see four trailers. Now, I know all about these four other films, and I know that I don't have to see them if I wasn't interested. Kids, trailers are your chance to make a choice, make a difference. I dare say, trailers represent our freedom of choice, our civil liberties. Don't bad-mouth them. But they follow certain rules. This is to the lady in the row behind me. If you are seeing a big R-rated action blockbuster, don't yell out that you're sick of all these "damn testosterone previews, where's the love stories?" If you wanna see a trailer for a love story, drag your pansy boy-friend to Best Friend's Wedding. Studios advertise like movies with like movies. This is why we got some killer trailers for Spawn, The Peacemaker, Armageddon, Starship Troopers and The Jackal. This is also why we weren't forced to sit through an Air Bud spot. You know where I'm betting you could find an Air Bud trailer? How about in front of the wonderfilm Good Burger? And probably George of the Jungle as well. So go see those films, and leave the really cool Harrison Ford kicks Gary Oldman's buttocks all over the big plane flicks to the rest of us paying customers. To misquote Harrison: Get Out of My Theater! OK, I'm good now. Anyway, Air Force One rocked. Harrison Ford is the kind of president that would never get elected 'cause he's cool. Glenn Close is the kind of vice president that would never get elected 'cause she's a darned cute woman. Oh right, you're about to jump down my throat for being sexist. Ask yourself, we've had one female vice presidential candidate in our nation's history. Was she cute? Nope. Geraldine Ferrarro, while intelligent, well qualified, and a wonderful individual, was one big ugly dog. I mean no guy is gonna vote a woman into office who he wants to bed. Can you imagine? So, yeah, the movie. Good stuff. Exciting. Bloody. Lots of lots of people die. Gary is one mean dude. Don't mess with him, he'll do ya. And not in the comical "Beavis and Butthead" kinda way, but with a gun. A gun that is fully loaded and ready to go. Oh the story? Hmm... How best to put this... Terrorists take over Air Force One. That about does it. Do you like Harrison Ford? Of course you do, we all do. Go see this heart-pumping, patriotic action thriller. You'll thank me. Want a cute little love story? Rent The English Patient. Leave me alone, I'm dodging bullets. Air Force One gets 4 1/4 Babylons. Just a lot of fun. Makes you forget all about that stupid Devil's Own flick. Editor's Note: Alright folks, just email all your complaints to owner-selfmade@lungfish.com. Make sure the subject reads "Why I am appalled at the Self-Made Critic's blatant sexism." For good measure, you might want to put in a bit about how the much-maligned Editor should take over his job, since he sees the same movies and doesn't tend to offend half of the country on any given day. I swear, anyone know if the Thumb guys need an editor? Air Force One |
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