I saw Air Force One. I loved it. Okay.
Let me talk to you about the movie-going experience in general.
First, as everyone knows, you do not, under any circumstances, talk during
the movie. This "Silence is Golden" thing also extends to my personal
favorite part of the event, the trailers.
Don't you dare open your darned trap during a preview. Previews are gifts
from God, and we are not to belittle them in any way. People don't always
understand the glory of these little beasts. A trailer is a mini-film, all
the good parts, none of the boring stuff. A trailer is almost always better
than the movie itself. I can go to the theater, pay my 8 bucks, and catch 5
movies at once, because I see four trailers. Now, I know all about these
four other films, and I know that I don't have to see them if I wasn't
interested. Kids, trailers are your chance to make a choice, make a
difference. I dare say, trailers represent our freedom of choice, our civil
liberties. Don't bad-mouth them.
But they follow certain rules.
This is to the lady in the row behind me.
If you are seeing a big R-rated action blockbuster, don't yell out that
you're sick of all these "damn testosterone previews, where's the love
If you wanna see a trailer for a love story, drag your pansy boy-friend to
Best Friend's Wedding. Studios advertise like movies with like movies. This
is why we got some killer trailers for Spawn, The Peacemaker, Armageddon,
Starship Troopers and The Jackal. This is also why we weren't forced to sit
through an Air Bud spot. You know where I'm betting you could find an Air
Bud trailer? How about in front of the wonderfilm Good Burger? And probably
George of the Jungle as well. So go see those films, and leave the really
cool Harrison Ford kicks Gary Oldman's buttocks all over the big plane flicks
to the rest of us paying customers.
To misquote Harrison: Get Out of My Theater!
OK, I'm good now.
Anyway, Air Force One rocked. Harrison Ford is the kind of president that
would never get elected 'cause he's cool. Glenn Close is the kind of vice
president that would never get elected 'cause she's a darned cute woman.
Oh right, you're about to jump down my throat for being sexist. Ask
yourself, we've had one female vice presidential candidate in our nation's
history. Was she cute? Nope. Geraldine Ferrarro, while intelligent, well
qualified, and a wonderful individual, was one big ugly dog. I mean no guy
is gonna vote a woman into office who he wants to bed. Can you imagine?
So, yeah, the movie. Good stuff. Exciting. Bloody. Lots of lots of people
die. Gary is one mean dude. Don't mess with him, he'll do ya. And not in
the comical "Beavis and Butthead" kinda way, but with a gun. A gun that is
fully loaded and ready to go.
Oh the story? Hmm... How best to put this...
Terrorists take over Air Force One.
That about does it.
Do you like Harrison Ford? Of course you do, we all do. Go see this
heart-pumping, patriotic action thriller. You'll thank me.
Want a cute little love story? Rent The English Patient. Leave me alone,
I'm dodging bullets.
Air Force One gets 4 1/4 Babylons. Just a lot of fun. Makes you forget all
about that stupid Devil's Own flick.
Alright folks, just email all your complaints to email@example.com.
Make sure the subject reads "Why I am appalled at the Self-Made Critic's
blatant sexism." For good measure, you might want to put in a bit about how
the much-maligned Editor should take over his job, since he sees the same
movies and doesn't tend to offend half of the country on any given day.
I swear, anyone know if the Thumb guys need an editor?
Air Force One
Directed by: Wolfgang Petersen
Starring: Harrison Ford, Gary Oldman, Glenn Close and a lot of other people
who basically just end up dead.