The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

And this movie had such promise.

I mean you start with Nicky Cage, who has spent the last few years trying to prove to everyone that he's an action hero, and not just a tall, geeky-looking, nepotism case. Throw in Joaquin Phoenix as scummy side-kick. Mix it up with some good old-fashioned sexual deviancy and stir. Voila! Snuff Film Puree!

Except that it's totally lame.

Here's the story. The Nicker is a private detective who is hired by a wealthy widow to discover if the snuff film found in her late husband's private safe is legit or the product of an effects house. So Mr. Valley Girl gets dragged into the world of kinky sex, kinky drugs and various other kinky things.

People, this doesn't have to be rocket science. Snuff films are creepy. A movie about them should be equally creepy. For those who don't know, a snuff film is a film in which one of the actors or actresses (usually a young, na´ve actress from Nebraska in Hollywood for the first time and excited about finally landing her big break) is actually murdered on screen. Usually, as you may have guessed, the actor or actress in question is not aware of the complete nature of his or her role until it's just a little too late. I mean it's hard to renegotiate your contract when you've been gutted like a fish.

What's bad about this movie? Gosh, where to start. It's written by the same guy who wrote Se7en (or however you were supposed to spell it). That's actually a good thing, but the script is not as sharp, interesting or creepy as 7-up. It's just, "Look how awful these people are! S & M is bad!!!" We never get the other view, the "S & M is fine, if taken in proper doses and used with care" view. Not every S & M fan spends their free time shooting footage for Fox's "When Pretty Young Girls Are Brutally Murdered" special.

But that might not be the writer's fault. I'm going to blame the director, because this director is horrible, has done horrible things in the past, and will do horrible things in the future. His name is Joel Schumacher. He made Batman & Robin, one of the worst movies of all time. He wouldn't know a morally corrupt thriller if it farted on his head.

See, this should be an easy film to make. Good guy investigates snuff film. Brilliant! But the movie makes about as much sense as a one-legged Tarzan. The characters do the STUPIDEST things. At one point, everyone in the theater just started chanting "Call the police! Call the police!" hoping Nick would take the advice and end the film an hour early so we could all go home.

Oh well, at least there's a lot of really gross sexual details. Gotta give credit for that.

8MM gets 2 Babylons. I would have given it 2 1/2 if it would have been titled "8 Millimeter," but no, they had to be cute and use an abbreviation. I hate that.

Editor's Note:

After reading this review, I had to inform The Critic that S & M didn't stand for Self-Made. He was stunned.

My God, he's such an idiot.

Rated: R
Directed By: Joel Schumacher
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Joaquin Phoenix, lots of seedy-looking bad guys and, in a very disturbingly eye-opening performance, Tinky Winky.

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