There is a plague in this nation, and in many other nations as well. Our
children are getting stupider and stupider. Why is this? Simple. As with
all other problems in life, blame the media.
Case in point:
The current Harrison Ford (Star Wars, Indiana Jones, The Fugitive) - Anne
Heche (Lesbian) film 6 Days 7 Nights is about these two unlikely people
getting stuck together on a deserted island. The title would lead one to
think that they are on this island for 6 Days and 7 Nights. But no, they are
actually on the island for 2-3 days, tops.
When will Hollywood deal with its responsibility to properly educate our
youth? If kids can't learn at the movies, where are they going to learn? Bad
Horrid mathematical error aside, there is much to discuss regarding this
6 Days 7 Nights is the story of fashion magazine executive Lesbian Anne Heche
who, in the midst of a vacation with dreamy David Schwimmer, becomes stranded
on an island with gritty pilot Harrison Ford.
On the surface, this movie is a pleasant little jaunt. But when we dig
deeper, we see that it is teeming with problems.
Problem 1 - Harrison "McGyver" Ford
Mr. Ford pulls all sorts of incredible things out of thin air. Okay,
and caught a peacock for dinner. Okay, he built a fire and spit to cook it on.
How did he manage to glaze the bird with a light honey paste?
Where, on his tiny little plane, did
Harrison stash all these tools? Winches,
saws, welding equipment and about 17 miles of really nice, thick rope?
Say what you will about Harrison, give the man a tube of lipstick and a wild
boar, and he can build you a Nintendo system.
Problem 2 - Island of the Weird
Things behave differently than they do in most places. A crevice opens and
swallows up our heroes, for no apparent reason at all. I mean have you ever
been walking and had the earth just open up and swallow you with no warning?
And even if it did open up and swallow you, did it drop you onto an amusement
park's kiddie slide?
And one more thing, during a quiet scene where studly Harrison is wishing
goodnight to lesbian Anne, there's a bright light shining off stage left.
Since when did uninhabited islands have flood lights?
Problem 3 - The Nipple Factor
Nevermind that she was on her way to a 15-hour turn around shoot yet was
packed with 4 days of clothes, nevermind that she constantly wears nothing but
white shirts, unless she's going to be unexpectedly getting wet, in which case
she wears a black bra underneath. What the heck is up with her nipples?
I mean this woman, who is a lesbian, has the perkiest nipples you'll ever see,
and they really try to steal the show. This movie is not for the nipple-wary.
The nipplage is great, and those with heart conditions should keep a safe
Problem 4 - The Bad Relationship
David Schwimmer and Anne Heche, a lesbian, play two young lovers in love.
They are then separated for a portion of the movie. According to the film,
they have been together for 3 years before this. You know, I think I would
behave differently if separated from my love of 3 years for only 2 days. But
that's just me.
Problem 5 - And The Genre Is...?
What is this movie? A comedy? An action flick? A romance? I don't know.
My date claimed that this movie was, in actuality, a Chick Flick, but I don't
know about that. There's just too many gun shots and crash sequences to
classify it as a Chick Flick. It most closely resembles Romancing the Stone.
Actually, it resembles that classic film quite a bit. But then, Romancing the
Stone is also a difficult movie to classify. So whatever you think Romancing
the Stone is, toss this baby in the same genre.
I could go on, but I don't want to make you think this is a bad movie. It has
logic problems, but still delivers a lot of fun. Harrison Ford is awesome, as
he always is. This man could play a librarian and I'd be excited. Anne Heche
is also great in her own lesbian way. I don't have any difficulty believing
that this woman is in love with guys, even though the actress would rather be
kissing girls. Not that I blame her, I would rather kiss girls too. David
Schwimmer is actually quite funny as the sensitive guy who falls into this.
Not bad for a Friend.
There's also a total babe (who I've never heard of before) in a lot of this
movie. She's awesome. Really. Just awesome.
Actually, my only note on the cast is that Anne Heche looks like an elf. No
really, take another look. She's an elf. I kept waiting for her to sprinkle
fairy dust and giggle.
All told, 6 Days 7 Nights gets 3 Babylons. It's your basic run of the mill
summer fare. Fun for a romp, but nothing to drag Grandma to. Unless she
likes Harrison Ford or Lesbian Anne Heche.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Yet another mention of The Critic having a date. I'll
believe it when I see it.
Meanwhile, have you all gone over to
and found your entry into the
Self-Made Critic's summer movie contest? Check your entry with the current
box office results and see how badly The Critic is doing.
I'm giggling on the inside. Actually, I'm giggling on the outside too, just
not when Mr. Critic is near.
6 Days 7 Nights
Directed By: Ivan Reitman
Starring: Harrison Ford, Anne Heche -- a lesbian, David Schwimmer and a really
hot babe who we'll probably never see again, which is a shame.