The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

There is a plague in this nation, and in many other nations as well. Our children are getting stupider and stupider. Why is this? Simple. As with all other problems in life, blame the media.

Case in point:

The current Harrison Ford (Star Wars, Indiana Jones, The Fugitive) - Anne Heche (Lesbian) film 6 Days 7 Nights is about these two unlikely people getting stuck together on a deserted island. The title would lead one to think that they are on this island for 6 Days and 7 Nights. But no, they are actually on the island for 2-3 days, tops.

When will Hollywood deal with its responsibility to properly educate our youth? If kids can't learn at the movies, where are they going to learn? Bad Hollywood! Bad!

Horrid mathematical error aside, there is much to discuss regarding this film. 6 Days 7 Nights is the story of fashion magazine executive Lesbian Anne Heche who, in the midst of a vacation with dreamy David Schwimmer, becomes stranded on an island with gritty pilot Harrison Ford.

Antics ensue.

On the surface, this movie is a pleasant little jaunt. But when we dig deeper, we see that it is teeming with problems.

Problem 1 - Harrison "McGyver" Ford

Mr. Ford pulls all sorts of incredible things out of thin air. Okay, he hunted and caught a peacock for dinner. Okay, he built a fire and spit to cook it on. How did he manage to glaze the bird with a light honey paste?

Where, on his tiny little plane, did Harrison stash all these tools? Winches, saws, welding equipment and about 17 miles of really nice, thick rope?

Say what you will about Harrison, give the man a tube of lipstick and a wild boar, and he can build you a Nintendo system.

Problem 2 - Island of the Weird

Things behave differently than they do in most places. A crevice opens and swallows up our heroes, for no apparent reason at all. I mean have you ever been walking and had the earth just open up and swallow you with no warning? And even if it did open up and swallow you, did it drop you onto an amusement park's kiddie slide?

And one more thing, during a quiet scene where studly Harrison is wishing goodnight to lesbian Anne, there's a bright light shining off stage left. Since when did uninhabited islands have flood lights?

Problem 3 - The Nipple Factor

Nevermind that she was on her way to a 15-hour turn around shoot yet was packed with 4 days of clothes, nevermind that she constantly wears nothing but white shirts, unless she's going to be unexpectedly getting wet, in which case she wears a black bra underneath. What the heck is up with her nipples?

I mean this woman, who is a lesbian, has the perkiest nipples you'll ever see, and they really try to steal the show. This movie is not for the nipple-wary. The nipplage is great, and those with heart conditions should keep a safe distance away.

Problem 4 - The Bad Relationship

David Schwimmer and Anne Heche, a lesbian, play two young lovers in love. They are then separated for a portion of the movie. According to the film, they have been together for 3 years before this. You know, I think I would behave differently if separated from my love of 3 years for only 2 days. But that's just me.

Problem 5 - And The Genre Is...?

What is this movie? A comedy? An action flick? A romance? I don't know. My date claimed that this movie was, in actuality, a Chick Flick, but I don't know about that. There's just too many gun shots and crash sequences to classify it as a Chick Flick. It most closely resembles Romancing the Stone. Actually, it resembles that classic film quite a bit. But then, Romancing the Stone is also a difficult movie to classify. So whatever you think Romancing the Stone is, toss this baby in the same genre.

I could go on, but I don't want to make you think this is a bad movie. It has logic problems, but still delivers a lot of fun. Harrison Ford is awesome, as he always is. This man could play a librarian and I'd be excited. Anne Heche is also great in her own lesbian way. I don't have any difficulty believing that this woman is in love with guys, even though the actress would rather be kissing girls. Not that I blame her, I would rather kiss girls too. David Schwimmer is actually quite funny as the sensitive guy who falls into this. Not bad for a Friend.

There's also a total babe (who I've never heard of before) in a lot of this movie. She's awesome. Really. Just awesome.

Actually, my only note on the cast is that Anne Heche looks like an elf. No really, take another look. She's an elf. I kept waiting for her to sprinkle fairy dust and giggle.

All told, 6 Days 7 Nights gets 3 Babylons. It's your basic run of the mill summer fare. Fun for a romp, but nothing to drag Grandma to. Unless she likes Harrison Ford or Lesbian Anne Heche.

Editor's Note:

Yeah, yeah, I know. Yet another mention of The Critic having a date. I'll believe it when I see it.

Meanwhile, have you all gone over to and found your entry into the Self-Made Critic's summer movie contest? Check your entry with the current box office results and see how badly The Critic is doing.

I'm giggling on the inside. Actually, I'm giggling on the outside too, just not when Mr. Critic is near.

6 Days 7 Nights Rated :PG-13
Directed By: Ivan Reitman
Starring: Harrison Ford, Anne Heche -- a lesbian, David Schwimmer and a really hot babe who we'll probably never see again, which is a shame.

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